Embracing the me that I am

A very dear and close friend came to visit me a week ago. She flew in on a Wednesday night and left early Sunday morning. It was a visit I needed more than I realized. We laughed, and shopped and talked and then shopped some more. She believes in retail therapy as much as I do and it was good to have that therapy with her. I even took her to IKEA for her first visit- now she loves it as much as I do.

We drove up to Fort Collins on Saturday. We shopped, ate and shopped some more. It was wonderful. But the thing I liked best was being able to talk very honestly and openly with her. She has never judged me or told me I’m wrong for the feelings I have. She understands me in a way some people never will because we have a common bond in our past. There is acceptance and love and a deeper understanding with this woman than I have with any other friend because of that shared bond.

On the way home from Fort Collins (it’s an hour drive each way) I brought up a topic that has been running in circles in my head- careers.  My friend is very career driven and I respect and admire her for that. I do not always understand what she’s talking about when she tells me about work, but I listen. I get the general idea, I’m not brainless, but I don’t get the rush from it like she does. Her work is very important to her and always has been. She works hard and it shows.

I, on the other hand, am not. I do not enjoy corporate America. I do not enjoy being stuck behind a desk. I have a tendency to put in too many hours and then get sick- and not just a cold. I have had Shingles three times, my liver had issues laying me up for a week, I've had ocular migraines that took a week to diagnose and the list goes on. Since leaving corporate America, I don’t have the stress and haven’t gotten sick like that. (Yes the heart thing, but that they think has been there for years!)

While speaking with my friend she said, “In the time I've known you, you've never been career driven. It’s never been the driving force for you.” She’s known me 9 years and knows my work history. For her to see this about me, to understand it and to accept me for it was marvelous. We spoke further about what that means for me in the long run.

I like taking care of my family and loved ones. I have always wanted to be a mom and a writer. Well the mom thing hasn't happened yet, but the writing thing- that I am doing. And I’m taking care of my mom which is exactly where I need to be. Family means a lot to me and I will always put them first. That’s how I am.

My dad has never understood this part of me. He can’t fathom that I don’t want to have a career. I think he sees it as a weakness. He laments on how I should have taken more business classes in college, or why don't I become a technical writer. He will not accept that I suck at tech writing- I failed the course in college (two of my professors told me to drop before the course ended but I was determined to stick it out) and have tried it for other jobs. I like words; I like to paint a picture with them. I find it very frustrating to do technical writing. I know my own limitations and keeping it short and sweet isn't me. I don’t like disappointing him in this way. I know I could get a job if I needed to. I’m not above any job; I've worked in all kinds of fields. But the field I like best is the one I’m in RIGHT now. I’m happy, I’m content and I am lucky.

Eventually, I will need to get a full time job to provide for myself (unless God sends me a lottery win or wonderful partner that will continue to allow me not to work). I know this. And I will do it. In the meantime, I’m going to write and take care of my mom. I have talked and talked and talked about my dream to become a published author. Well, no more talk- just action. I have confidence in my ability to tell a story- whether it be my own or one from my imagination. I can write a term paper, I can write an erotic story. I can weave the layers and draw in my reader. This is where my drive lies, where my passion lives.

Talking about and admitting that I am not a career minded woman may ruffle some feathers. Some may even think I’m setting women back. I don’t think that’s the case. I am not saying my way is the right way or your way is wrong. I just know for me, career hasn't ever been a defining force. Learning to listen to your own song, to follow your own path, to do what makes you happy- that’s what this is about. I’m accepting what lies in my heart instead of trying to do what others think I should. I am embracing the passion that breathes inside of me instead of being someone I’m not.