Tony Lynn Foth
1/1/73- 8/24/07
Gone, but never forgotten!
8/24/13
Hey Bubba,
I never know how to start this. I write you a lot, like you
don’t already know every thought I have in my head. I need to write you and
know that publishing one letter a year to my blog is a good thing. It lets
others see how much you are missed and thought of daily. And I hope it brings
to mind good memories of you.
You know how scared I was a month ago. I felt you in that
hospital room every minute. I knew you wouldn’t let me die. I stayed strong
because of you. I had to, because even with your last words you were strong.
Thank you for sharing your strength with me and keeping me alive. Though I have
a feeling you really don’t want me up there to annoy you just yet. *lol*
I cried a few times this week- which is down from the year
before and the year before that. Its 6 years today. 6 years since I crawled in
to that hospital bed with you and just let it all out. I can still feel the
prickles of your beard on my fingers as I type. I remember how much it had hurt
not to be able to touch you for the last 36 hours of your life. I wanted
nothing more than to hold your hand, touch your face, give you comfort without
words. But you couldn’t stand it. You barely could handle the washcloth on your
head. It broke mom’s heart and it broke mine. Once you died, I laid down next
to you. I wanted a last hug. What I wouldn’t give for one today….
So much has happened in these 6 years, things that I never
would have thought or even imagined. I can’t help but wonder if they would have
happened if you were alive. I mean, would I have moved out here to CO? Or would
you and I banded together and forced dad to come home to WI with mom? Would you
have finally found “the one”? Or have you already up in Heaven? (And no, Anna
Nicole does not count!)
You were here just a few days ago when the hurt was so raw I
could have choked someone to death. You buzzed me good to get me to calm down.
You made sure I heard the much needed song. You’re still taking care of me from
the other side-just like you promised you would. I’m more grateful for that
bond than I can express. You’ve pulled me out of some extremely dark caves, you’ve
forced me to breathe and find my center, but most of all you’ve reminded me
that love is never ending.
Today I’ll look for the signs from you, the ones you send
every year. You know mom is lost. She doesn’t remember the date and therefore
doesn’t realize just what today is. Which I guess is a good thing because I
hate to see her sad. I will plaster a smile on my face for her when she is near
me. I will work on the van with Daddy and I’ll make sure to watch my language
because of those “shittin’ little kids”. Do you remember how hard you hit your
head laughing at mom when she said that to you? I’m surprised you didn’t cut
your head wide open on the hood of my truck. And poor Daddy- I thought he was gonna
have a stroke his face was so red from laughing. We don’t let her forget that
one either. LOL Though her filter is off more and more. I bet you sit up on a
cloud and just laugh your ass off at what comes out of her mouth now. Did you
bust a gut on Monday when she told the workman across the street he was hot and
that she would be watching him? Of course I was mortified at first and then I
swear I heard you laugh- and then I was laughing. Oh the things that come out of her
mouth!
I miss you very much
big brother. With every health concern I wish that you were here to talk to. I’m
scared of what is going on in my body. If you were here I know you’d tell me to
take it a day at a time and go with the flow. “You can’t fuckin’ change it Tubby;
all you can do is face it head on.” What I wouldn’t give to hear you tell me
that it’s going to be okay, and if it’s not- well then we’ll deal with it. Some
days I miss you so much I want to crawl back in to that dark place. You don’t
let me. You make sure someone reaches out to me, that someone tells me I’m not
alone. Did you make Stallone make those “Expendables” movies to cheer me up?
When I watched them I could hear your comments, your laughter. It’s your fault
I even watch the “blow-em-up movies” as mom calls them. Thanks for making me
sit through them and now I laugh when I watch the old Seagal, Van Damme, Snipes,
etc. movies. When I watch the new movies
like that or any racing movie, I feel you in the room with me. We’d be
commenting on the errors in editing, or how cool it’d be to drive a car like
that. And I’d be losing another game of Monopoly to you. But I’d be the
racecar!
Tony, you were larger than life to me. I never thought you
could die. And when you did- a chunk of my heart went with you to Heaven. I even
think a bit of my soul went with you. I’ve come so far in the last few years in
terms of dealing with your death. I no longer say “he left”, I say you died. I
don’t have that awful nightmare anymore. After I wrote about it, it lost its
power over me. Just like you always told me- “Tubby, you’re better with words
than I ever will be. Writing is your gift- use it”. I’ve written quite a few
blogs now. And each one helps me heal more. I just wish you were here to talk
to about some of the things that I am afraid to write about. I know you’d have
the right words to help me. Send me a sign ok?
I made you a promise before you died. You were very honest
with me when you spoke of your greatest fear about dying. I remember every word
of that conversation; it was one of our longest and last. Your fear was that you’d
be forgotten, that the people you loved the most would stop speaking of you,
that they would forget the man you were. I took your hand in mine and gave you
this promise:
“I will never ever, ever forget you. You are my big brother,
my best friend. You will remain my big brother as long as I live. Your name
will never be far from my lips. I will tell your story to the world. I will
share your life with the people that matter to you. I promise you that I will
never stop loving you, or missing you. I will not let you be forgotten!”
So Bubba, I will use my gift and tell your stories. I will
put them on paper for your son, your friends and family. I think of you every
day and will for the rest of my life. I will never stop being your baby sister.
And I’m so proud to have you as MY big brother.
Today I remember the last time I saw your face. I cry for
the pain you were in. I cry for the pain your death caused to all those who
loved you so very much. I hear the last words you spoke to me 2 days before you
died and I will always be grateful those were the words you made sure I heard.
I see the tears fall as mom said good-bye. I regret never having said those
words aloud to you, but know you understand. I hear the scream of your son as I
broke his heart. I feel the stillness of your last moments on earth. I feel the
tears run down my cheeks and the urge to once again put my fist in my mouth to
ensure I don’t call you back. But most importantly- I remember the grin you had
as you took your last breath. I see your entire face light up as you say “Grandpa”
and I knew you were going to be safe in Heaven. I am blessed to have been
there.
Oh Tony, how much I miss you. It’s not easy having you gone.
You are never forgotten, never will be. Today I will remember the good. Today I
will wear the cap you gave me and get my hands greasy with dad. And you’ll be
right there with us, as always.
I love you Tony!
~ Tubby
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