To SCAR

     I knew it would be hard to leave my hometown in WI again. We were there for five nights and four days. What I didn’t realize was that my heart would once again get broken by leaving, that instead of it being “see you in a year” it felt like I was leaving behind my world…. again. I cried myself to sleep on Monday night because I knew what Tuesday morning would bring. I couldn’t cry then, I had to show I was strong and that all would be okay. It killed me to be that strong when I said good-bye to her. You see SHE’S the reason it’s hard to not be living in the same town or let alone the same state. At least if I was in state I could take weekend trips up to her and vice versa. Being over 1,000 miles apart is the 2^nd hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through.

Let me see if I can put in to words all that I feel about and for this woman. I will most likely not get half of it out right. SHE means that much to me.

I have known her all my life. Up until a few years ago, well, we were just acquaintances. Her mother is my dad’s sister. She is the 2^nd to youngest cousin on my dad’s side of the family. We would see each other at family parties and we were always nice to each other. I loved her because she was family. I didn’t know her then. I had opinions of my own and others that shaped how I saw this woman. She and I have talked about all of that and become closer because of my honesty.

Now I tell her almost daily how much I love her. Leaving her on Tuesday morning broke my heart. She’s become one of the most important people in my life and I didn’t realize just how much till I hugged her tight on the first night we were together again. She’s got a world of worry on her shoulders right now and I’m not there to help. Yes I can text and call (which I do) but it’s not the same as walking in her kitchen and sharing a cup of coffee, or picking up one of her kiddos for a few hours or overnight to give her some help. And it sure as hell isn’t the same as walking in her door and wrapping my arms around her and just holding her on the hard days.

I would do anything to switch places with her so that she wouldn’t have had to go through the hell of cancer. That’s the bond we share. She had pancreatic cancer and KICKED ITS ASS! When she told me I honestly didn’t know if I could be the help she needed. It wasn’t that long ago that I’d been walking the cancer road with Tony. Would it bring back all the horrible nightmares? Would I be strong enough to hold her hand while she got bad news? Would I even be able to look into the face of the Doctor treating her- the very same one Tony had at the end and not go all psycho bitch on him? The only thing I knew for sure is that she needed help- whatever capacity I could give. She never asked me for more than I could handle. I ended up doing more than I thought I would be able to. And because of that, I now have my cousin as one of my best friends.

I remember all the trips to the clinic- the dr. visits, the chemo, the testing. It wasn’t easy to look at her and not see Tony. But then I’d hear him telling me this one was different and she’d be okay. I held him to that and still do. She gave me the opportunity to be strong again and to see her battle as hers and not his. I cannot begin to tell you how much prayer went in to this walk with her. She helped me strengthen my faith. I was never mad at God for taking Tony home. I never hated God for the walk Tony and I had together. I did lose sight of Him after it all ended. I wasn’t really ready for the new chapters of my life and got over whelmed by depression. My beautiful cousin, she helped me see past the clouds and look for the sun again.

I used what I’d learnt from Tony and his battle. I made sure she was forthright and honest with her doctor. I encouraged her to fight for herself, not just allow them to treat her as a “normal” patient. She wasn’t- she kicked ass. She’s one of few that can say she beat pancreatic cancer. Of course in the midst of treatments, the what-ifs always hovered. Could I handle losing her? Could I survive getting close to someone again and then having cancer rip them from me? We are lucky, those questions never had to be answered, and I pray that they never do.

You see, I can’t imagine my life without her now. I feel torn in half right now. I am out here to make life easier for Dad and Mom. I want to be here, don’t get me wrong. I just want to be there for her too. I want to walk in to her house, pat the dog, hug the kids and then put her snuggly in to bed and let her rest while I take care of the laundry, cleaning, cooking (she's way better at it than I but I'd do it for her in a heartbeat!) or whatever else she needed to get done. I want to be there on her bad days with a cup of coffee, some fart jokes and a shoulder. And on my bad days, I want her here with me to make me remember how far we’ve come.

All this and so much more is why on Tuesday morning as I picked Maybelle up from her house, my heart broke and a piece stayed behind. I never wanted to let go of her. I think at times I may need her more than she even realizes. I am already trying to figure out how to save up some cash so that I can fly home sooner than later to see her again. I need my time with her. I know how precious it is and thank God for every minute. And I thank GOD for HER!

To my amazing, strong, beautiful Scar-

You are so much more than a cousin to me. You’ve become a friend, a sister, a life line. I could not be out here doing what I am without you. Thank you for loving me enough to understand that I have to be out here. Thank you for worrying about me and how it would affect me when you told me about your cancer. You will never understand how much that helped me start to heal. Thank you for sharing your children with me- I adore them! Please take good care of that piece of my heart I left with you on Tuesday. I will pick it up when I move back home to be near you! LU LU MU

~ Composer

PS If you haven't already, go check out her Facebook page and tell her I sent you.  I Survived Cancer And All I Got Was This Stupid Scar