Blessed to be here...

It's taken me a few days to really wrap my head around how bad things were before my pacemaker. It's taken me these days to absorb the what could have been's. I need to talk about them, so here I go.

My heart was pausing for anywhere from 3 to 7.2 seconds at a time. Not just once a day, not twice… MULTIPLE times a day. Some pauses would come in clusters of 3-5 at a time. I watched them on the monitor while in the hospital. I laughed about it while I was in there because I didn't want to really think about what it meant. Hell, I even figured out that if I coughed I could make the monitor look like a mountain range- my own personal etch a sketch. The nurses probably wanted to smack me for that. But I had to handle it. I couldn't break down in front of mom and dad. I had to be strong.

These pauses are not normal. My heart was trying it's best to keep up but it was failing. Miserably.

When the cardiologist (whom I have a crush on) walks in to your hospital room and looks at you in shock, it's not good. And when the electro-physiologist comes in and looks so apologetic, it's not good either. Hind sight is 20/20 and both of these doctors apologized for missing the signs. They both told me this has most likely been my problem for the past two and a half years, if not longer.  They got stuck on the fact that I'm only 36 and it's very rare to have this be the issue. My electro- Dr. K- was genuine in his surprise that this was my problem. As he told me, "you were text book in retrospect." I know from now on he'll look at younger patients with my symptoms and double check them for pauses. And that does my heart good, because it may save someone's life.

I could have suffered sudden cardiac arrest. I could have died in my sleep, while sitting watching TV, doing laundry or driving. I could have been like my cousin 9 years ago that didn't come home from shopping. She passed away in her car and the only thing they could find was a possible arrhythmia. That could have been me.  I didn't want to think of those possibilities while I was lying in the hospital. I knew I was safe there. I had so many monitors hooked up to me and the entire Telemetry floor got to know me. If I sneezed, they called my nurse to check on me. When I started doing the coughing, my nurse came running. She laughed but I stopped it after the night nurse came running with two others. I felt bad seeing the worry on her face.

I stayed upbeat in the hospital because that's how I cope. I made the nurses laugh; the nursing assistants watched "Will & Grace" and "Duck Dynasty" with me. I ate because I was starving. And I watched the monitor. I got to where I could tell my dad to watch it too because I felt the pauses coming on. It was kinda cool to see how when I got a head rush, the monitor showed a short pause or a bunch of short ones, or one llllllooooooonnnnnngggggg one.

It was last night when it all hit me. I was trying to fall asleep and couldn't get comfortable. I am sleeping in my parent's king size bed so that they can hear me from the spare room. As I lay there counting my pulse (it was 63- it can't get below 50 or over 140 without the pacemaker kicking in), I started to cry. I was in pain and I realized that this could have ended so differently. I could be in heaven with Tony today instead of getting ready to watch movies with Daddy.

Between God and Tony, they took care of me. I have some very good guardian angels and am grateful for them. I'm sure Tony needs a rest now. Before he died he promised me he'd always take care of me, just like he'd done while he was alive. He has more than fulfilled that promise.

This entire ordeal has me rethinking things. I'm blessed to have the guardian angels I do- I miss them all so very much but know they played a huge part in keeping me here on earth. I am beyond grateful for all the prayers I received from family, friends, followers of my pages and friends of friends who heard about what was going on. I can't say enough about Amanda (see http://composingthedreamasigo.blogspot.com/2013/07/i-owe-her-my-life.html) and will forever be in her debt.

It will take 7 more days to be able to shower and drive. Then it will be 3 more months of healing to ensure the leads don't come out of my heart. In those 3 months I can do some exercise and I will. I will take the small steps needed to heal properly. I look forward to getting my life back. And if they doctor's are right, I'll feel like I did 5 years ago. I'm optimistic but realistic. I'll never take a day for granted again!

In the meantime, I'll be re-evaluating my plans and goals. I want to make sure I don't waste this 2nd chance. I am one of the lucky ones!