J.K-
I haven’t
written you in years. I swore that I’d done enough of it the last time. But my
heart knows I have to do this- the final letter, the final farewell. I need to
say some things to you that are eating at me. I need to clear the debris of our
love affair from my heart and make way for new love to enter. I need to do this
for me.
You’re an
ass. You know this. I know this. Hell, everyone who has ever met you knows
this. You’re cocky and self-assured. It’s what drew me to you. I needed that in
my life and you had it in spades. You're still an ass and I don't need that anymore.
We were
doomed from the start. But I wanted you and had to have you- damn the
consequences and whoever else got hurt in the process. Karma bitch slapped me
later but you’ve always come out on top. I’ve hated you for that for a long
time. It’s time to let go of the hate.
We met
through Tony. You were his friend first, and last. I came in
fifth or sixth on your list. You were first on mine- always. When he died I
thought I lost you then. But you came back to me later….
That last
time we tried to be together you broke my heart so deeply that I lept feet
first in to a bad relationship just to numb the pain. When you came to me I was
taken aback, but glad to finally have you. We’d tried before and couldn’t get
it right. This time you asked me if I remembered a letter I wrote to you where
I told you that you were the right guy but wrong time. That night you told me “right
guy, right time” and my heart was so full and happy. I believed you, in you and
in us.
A handful of weeks
into our new chapter, you disappeared. That’s when she must have told you she was
pregnant. You knew I couldn’t give you this one thing she could. I didn’t know
it then- because you lied your way out of my life again- HE, that beautiful
little boy, was the reason she won. I know now, hell it doesn’t take a genius
to do the math. You should have told me. Instead I beat myself up for not being
skinny enough, for not being this or that enough for you. I let your lies tear
my heart apart and beat myself up so badly that I endangered my own life to
kill the pain you left.
I wouldn’t/
can’t fault you for wanting what I couldn’t give you. I know how much having a
namesake meant to you. I will never blame that little boy for being. I blame
you for not being man enough to tell me. I blame you for not being the man I
deserved. I blame you for letting me down and for letting Tony down- you’ll
have to face him sooner than me. You know how much he loved you, how much he
loved me. You know how much he hated to have someone hurt me and someone he
loved so much to hurt me…. I’m just glad he didn’t see it in person because
that would have killed him.
I deleted
you from my phone a while back. I had to. I have to let go of the story of us.
I have to let go of the what-if’s. I did all I could to show you how much you
were loved. I just wish I’d never fallen for you because you never deserved the
love I gave you. You didn’t ever deserve my heart. You will never hear from me.
I won’t go down that road ever again.
I used to
envy her- she had you. But I know that in the long run I’m the one who came out
on top- I never lied to you!
Goodbye,
The one who
used to love you
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