Today I've been
thinking about why I don't have children. Mostly it's because I don't have the
plumbing anymore. I had a complete
hysterectomy at age 30. I wasn't married at the time, but was dating a man that
hated- that is not an understatement-
children. I thought we'd be together forever so I wasn't worried about
not being a mom. I have nieces and nephews- some are biologically mine, others
are cousin's or friend's kids- that I could borrow whenever the need struck me.
Now I'm 36 and I'm
single. I have a small dog that means the world to me. But I don't have
children to call me mom, mommy or momma.
Will I miss out on
this completely?
What did I give up?
Did I make the biggest mistake of my life having it all ripped out? Should I
have instead just sucked up the pain of the endometriosis so that I could have
had the chance to give birth?
Ever since I can
remember I have wanted to be a mom. A mother. Some little human being's world.
I had planned to have at least two biological children and then adopt at least
two more. I have names that I want to use.
I have been a nanny
and a babysitter. I started babysitting when I was 12 years old. I am still in
contact with one family that I babysat for while I was in high school. I have a
tendency to think of them as little kids still- my little kids. My best friend
A.'s kids- I consider them mine. My other best friend K- her kids are my niece
and nephews. I love these children. I got three letters today from my sister
M's daughter today. I cried because I miss her so much. She is a wonderful child; her smile is
contagious, she thinks farts are as funny as I do, she loves to hug me as much
as I love to hug her and she writes me letters now that we live states apart.
My 20 something niece lives in Europe. She is a mini-me. Her father and I don't
talk but the love I have for her, it is stronger than ever. And my dear brother
Tony gave me a nephew that looks just like him. The young man even sounds like
his dad. He is a true blessing.
I had a boyfriend
back in 2009 that had three daughters. I loved being in their lives. When we
broke up, I mourned the loss of those little girls. I really hated him for what
happened. We have since talked and accepted responsibility for what went wrong.
I still miss those girls. And now he has a fourth little girl. What if I'd had
my plumbing then? Would this man have given me the gift of a baby?
I think about the
situation I'm in now. I'm the caregiver to my mom, she has dementia. My dad
supports us both because the man is smarter than I'll ever hope to be. He has
retired three times and each time some company comes begging to have him work
for them. I honestly can't imagine my dad not working. I'm glad that I can be
here to help. I am lucky to be making memories with her. I'm blessed that he
can afford to support all of us and wants me here.
But I can't help and
wonder, who will take care of me when I am old? Who will hold my hand and care
about me when I'm in my late 60's? Who will hug me? Will I ever feel the joy of
holding a child close knowing that he or she is mine? Will I ever be the mom on
the sidelines cheering like crazy no matter what? Will I get to be the proud
momma of a graduating college student? Will I ever get to hang little hand
prints on the wall?
I still want to be a
mom. I hope that somehow in the next years that can happen through adoption.
Maybe it won't. I don't know what is in store for me. Only God does...
~ The Dreamer
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