My Nightmare: Part One

I am sharing things very few people know. I have held these thoughts and memories very close to me over the past 5 years and only shared bits and pieces to various close friends and family. I wonder if I am going to be sharing things I will be judged for. I worry that I will lose friends or family over this. However, after much prayer I feel that for me I must get these things out of my head. Because this is a hard topic for me to write about, I will be covering it in a few parts. I don't know how long each part will be. I will know in my heart when it's time to start and stop each one….

On 8/24/2007 my brother, Tony, died. It was a Friday evening. I'd been with him and my mom for the last 48 hours in his one bedroom apartment. I didn't go to work, didn't go home to my boyfriend. Just stayed where I needed to be.

Around noon Tony started making this noise. I am not sure I can explain it to you. The hospice nurse called it the "death rattle". To me it sounded like he was in pain, it was loud and has haunted me in my sleep ever since. I was allowed to push his morphine drip every 15 minutes. I did, I didn't want him to be in pain. That was always my fear, that he was in pain and I couldn't alleviate it for him.

The hospice nurse instructed me to crush a pill up on a teaspoon, add two or three drops of water and give it to him. He'd stopped speaking the day before and wasn't eating or drinking anymore. It wouldn't make the sound go away, but it would quiet it down a bit. The pill was an anti-anxiety, calming med. I remember looking into his eyes and begging him to open his mouth so that I could help him. He did because he trusted me. I told him to swallow and he did. I don't know if he understood why I was doing it, but I hope so. About 30 minutes later he calmed. He was still breathing "funny", not quite a gasp but not a full breath, it was shallow and persistent. The noise went from ringing through the apartment to only being heard if you were in the same room as he was in. 

Mom and I talked to him, mom more than I, through out the day. I was in denial. I didn't want this to happen. I didn't want to be there with him, but knew I didn't want to be any where else. I kissed him a few times through out the day and made sure the morphine was being used. I lay my head next to his and whispered it was okay to go be with Grandpa, to find my dogs and love on them. I told him I'd be okay. I lied.

I was laying on the floor of his living room looking at a mail-order catalog (funny how certain details never leave your memory). He was in the hospital bed facing the wall, with the window to his left. Mom was sitting on the couch by me when suddenly she got up and went to stand on his right side. She called my name twice… I stood up because the tone was one I'd never heard before. In that moment I noticed two things, the room had grown quite and I was shaking. I remember looking at my mom and watching tears stream down her cheeks. She held her finger to her mouth making sure I understood to keep quiet. I nodded and the tears started to fall.

The day had been overcast with little pops of sunlight on and off. Suddenly a beam of sun hit the wall my brother was looking at, it was beautiful. I watched Tony smile so big and bright and as his mouth formed the word "Grandpa" his eyes lit up. I covered my mouth with both my hands so not to scream. I felt the scream choking me, tearing at me to be let out. He took one last breath and died. In those two minutes, my world as I knew it ended.

I went around the  head of the hospital bed and in to my mother's arms. We cried and shook. She let go of me to call my dad to tell him his son had passed away. It was the worst call she's ever had to make.

As she talked with dad she went in to the small kitchen to be alone. I don't know if she saw me or not, but I went back to the left side of Tony's bed and crawled in next to his body. I hadn't been able to hug my brother for a month because every touch hurt him. I laid there holding him and bawling. I ran my fingers through his beard over and over again. I told him I loved him. I wiped my tears on his blanket. I promised I'd never forget him. I kept telling him to come back. I told him I didn't know how to live without him. I told him he couldn't leave me. I begged him to breath again….

~ The Composer