Nightmare: Part Two

I am sharing things very few people know. I have held these thoughts and memories very close to me over the past 5 years and only shared bits and pieces to various close friends and family. I wonder if I am going to be sharing things I will be judged for. I worry that I will lose friends or family over this. However, after much prayer I feel that for me I must get these things out of my head. Because this is a hard topic for me to write about, I will be covering it in a few parts. I don't know how long each part will be. I will know in my heart when it's time to start and stop each one….

I stayed in the bed with Tony for ten minutes or more, I honestly don't remember how long I laid there with him. Then I took a breath, kissed him on the cheek and the forehead and crawled out of his bed. I then started making phone calls. I called my boyfriend (that was a waste), the hospice nurse- she called the coroner, a very close friend of Tony's and then I made the one call Tony made me promise to make.

I sat on the floor staring up at the hospital bed and rocking myself. I took two breaths and prayed to God for help making this call. I dialed the number and waited. My brother's ex-girlfriend answered and I asked for my nephew. I told her to stay next to him. I don't know if she guessed why I called or not. When I heard my nephews voice, I almost hung up. I took a very deep breath and told him I loved him, that I always would. He told me loved me too. I said it again and so did he. Then I said the words that I'm sure he'll never forget, "Your daddy died." And all I heard was the most gut wrenching, soul crushing scream I've ever heard. He threw the phone down I was told later. Right now as I type this, that scream is replaying in my head. I will never forget that sound. It broke my heart and still does. I am nauseous as I type because it killed part of my soul to deliver this news to an 11 year old boy. I caused that young boy's heart to break and I can never fix it.

After that call, I just sat and cried and rocked. I went in to a bit of a trance. Mom sat next to me and held my hand. I am sure she reassured me, but I don't remember. She dialed up Tony's best friend and told him. This man is more like a brother, both to Tony and to me. (He still looks out for me after all this time) I can only guess how it hurt him to hear that Tony was gone.

I don't remember when the hospice nurse showed up. She was there when the coroner got there. She walked in the hall with me while the coroner took pictures and filled out his paperwork. She must have called the funeral home director too, because he arrived just as the coroner was leaving. It was like time stood still. I sat on the floor to the left of the hospital bed again, where I'd been just before Tony died. I was rocking again and crying. George, the funeral director, was speaking to me and my mom. He was so proud of me for taking care of all this prior to Tony's passing. I honestly didn't give a fuck if he was proud or not, I wanted my brother to breath again. To look at me and tell me it was going to be okay.

We decided to have the memorial the following Saturday. This would give everyone time to get to our hometown, especially Tony's son. We discussed details but in the back of my mind I knew what was coming. I knew George was going to have to take Tony with him. Tony was to be cremated and I knew that. I had planned Tony's memorial with him, I'd picked out the urns he wanted. Per his request, I wrote his obituary and after he died I wrote the service. Just as I promised.

I didn't think I could bare to see George wheel Tony out of his apartment. The hospice nurse walked me out of his apartment and down to the other end of the building. I couldn't watch my brother leave again. This time I knew I'd never, ever see him again. I'd never hear his voice again. I'd never feel him punch me. I'd never be able to hug him again. But I turned back at the wrong moment- I saw George wheel Tony out of his apartment and out the door of the building. I sunk to the floor and bawled. The nurse held my hand and tried to comfort me.

I got up some time later, it felt like an hour but I'm sure it was just minutes. I felt eyes on me. There were people in the building that had come out to look around after seeing the hearse arrive. I got up and a few of the women I had gotten to know while getting Tony's mail came and hugged me. One whispered in my ear "Sweetheart, my heart breaks for you. You're much too young to go through this. Please know God will help you."

I walked back to Tony's apartment and took my mom by the hand and said "It's time to leave this apartment. We'll  go spend the night at my house." I don't know how I drove us to the house that night. I don't remember it. I do remember having to stop my own grief to comfort my mom. I remember putting on Tony's sweater jacket and sleeping in it in the spare bed with my mom that night. I woke up just seconds before she did the next morning.

She sat bolt up and said, "My baby… My baby. I have to go to my baby. He needs me. He can't be left alone. Why'd you let me leave him alone?"

"Momma, he's gone. He's gone." And then she broke down like I've never experienced. I held her, I rocked her. I listened to her heart break. I remember we argued over who would call who. I let her make all the calls and when my daddy called to say he'd fly in that afternoon I couldn't wait. I needed him to take care of her so I could grieve. But I also wanted my daddy to tell me this was all a very bad dream.

Later that morning, I took mom out to breakfast though neither of us ate. My jackass boyfriend didn't know what to do and wasn't any help. We went back to Tony's apartment for mom's clothes. I don't remember arriving there, walking in to his apartment or leaving. I only remember getting in the car and turning the radio up so I didn't have to talk to mom. I was choking on my own tears and my own broken heart. I didn't cry in front of her though. I stayed "strong" for her.

I wasn't paying attention to the DJ at all. I was on autopilot but the first song that played grabbed my attention so much that I slammed on the brakes. "When I get where I'm going" by Brad Paisley. It was the song Tony and I talked about a lot before he died. He was afraid he wouldn't make it to Heaven because he hadn't been to church in years. I had reassured him as best I could when we talked. I told him my faith was strong enough for the both of us. I told him this, "I know God will welcome you. He is so proud of the fight you've put up against this cancer. He has blessed me with the best gift in the world, YOU. When you see Grandpa L., he'll take you to God and God will hug you like an old friend. God hasn't forsaken you bubba, He's held you all this time." I knew that this song was Tony telling me he'd made it. He'd been received in to Heaven by God and was with our grandfather. He was Home.

The song ended and then "Lucky Man" by Montgomery Gentry came on. I smiled. I couldn't help it. My best friend was making sure I knew he was there. That he was in that car with us. That he was holding my hand even if I couldn't see him. I sang along, it was Tony's favorite song and he told me it was his life. He'd been lucky he said, that he'd had a good life even if it wasn't long enough.

It was the next song that hit me straight in the gut- "Hell Yeah" also by Montgomery Gentry. This was the song I had asked Tony to send to me when I needed him to give me an answer. I remember that just before it played I had asked him if he was okay now. I told him I needed to know he was okay and that I was going to be okay. He answered me in seconds with my song. 

My mom was just staring straight ahead and I turned the radio up louder. I sang along as the tears poured down my cheeks. I didn't shake, or let her know I was crying. If she saw my tears, I'll never know. I just know that in those few minutes, my best friend wasn't gone, he was letting me know he was okay.

After the song ended, the DJ came on and apologized for playing two in a row by Montgomery Gentry. He said he didn't know how it happened, but I did.

~ The Composer