Infinite Loop of Grief

Dementia sucks.

I have no better, no simpler, words than those today. I am frustrated on mom’s behalf, on dad’s and on my own. To be asked the same question over and over and over is difficult. To have the exact same conversation ten times a day is exhausting. To hear the stories you know by heart suddenly changed and you’re no longer in them- heart breaking.

I am not the poster child for patience. I know this, accept this and am trying to get better. I have days when just hearing her voice grates on my nerves. I know this and take deep breaths and realize it’s not her fault. It’s the disease, it’s her brain, and it’s the shitty end of a situation.

Mom is stuck. I’d like to say it’s about ten years back but it’s not an exact time. She is distraught and overcome with sadness over the death of her oldest sister. She can’t remember her sister dying. She keeps asking why no one told her and why they didn’t ask her to be at the service. Mom was there, as were dad, Tony and I. I stood next to her while she accepted condolences. I asked for the rings my aunt wore. I remember the service vaguely as one does after ten years. Mom doesn’t remember any of it. She has cried more tears over her sister in the past week then she did when my aunt passed. My aunt also had dementia and blessedly went quickly in her sleep after being in a nursing home just a few short weeks. Mom knew back then that this was a blessing, but right now she is just distraught that she couldn’t take care of her sister. She is stuck in an infinite loop of grief with no end in sight.

Dad and I are trying our best to be patient and answer her questions. I stick to saying the same thing over and over. I have found this works well. Yes I sound like a recording but it seems to sooth her the fastest.  My tone can be considered curt, but it works. I have taken on the role of mother to her. She tells me she doesn’t like me in one breath and in the next is thanking me for taking care of her. I reassure her that it’s my job and I’m here for the long haul. I just wish I knew how to get her out of this grief loop. And the good Lord better hand me extra patience and fortitude for the day she forgets Tony is gone. That’s going to take the wind right out of me.

Since mom is stuck back in a time when the world changed for her, I too can’t help but recollect where I was back then. Ten years ago I was walking in a cancer walk with Tony to celebrate his beating the odds and coming back from the brink of death. I was walking next to a true miracle. And he was lighting up a cigarette as proud as a peacock. I tried to shove him into oncoming traffic but even after being so beat down he was still stronger than me. I told him mom would understand the circumstances and I remember how he laughed and agreed she would but he wouldn’t put the damn smoke out. However one of the nurses that treated him was walking right behind us and boy she let him have it. I can’t recall her exact words but it was the smack to the head that I will never forget. I saw her wind up and he had no idea what was coming. The smack and the look on his face had me just about peeing in my pants. I had a hard time walking for a bit I was shaking from laughter. She got him to put it out thankfully, but in the car on the way home he light up again. He was a stubborn one!

Ten years ago I was dating a man that I knew wouldn’t be the “one” but he was Mr. Right Now. I met a woman that I am blessed to call one of my best friends (AW) thanks to him. I kept her and let him go. Ten years ago I was younger and so sure of the road I was on. I had it all mapped out in my head and I was sure life would be what dreams are made of. Back then I had no idea of the lows I was going to encounter just a few short years later. While mom is stuck in the grief of losing her sister back then, I am glad to say I survived the last ten years and came out stronger and wiser. I could have let the trials and errors make me bitter and maybe for a year or two I did. However I saw the light and I can honestly say I am grateful and blessed to be where I am today. It truly is all about perspective.

Now I need to go give mom a bag of mini Oreo’s (her newest addiction) and answer her questions about her sister’s passing. I will say the same thing over and over and one of these days she’ll move on to some other topic. I pray it’s a funny one!

Count your blessings and hug the ones you love-

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