Guilt, Worry and Impatience

There are a hundred things I should be doing today- vacuuming, laundry, sorting, give mom a shower, paint her nails, paying bills, filing, organizing my office, moving plants in the flower beds; the list goes on for miles. But instead I am sitting in her room in the comfy recliner listening to her book with her. I am working on my laptop and will accomplish a few things while I'm in here today. However, other than letting mom rest today I will let my to-do list wait. Mom is very worried, to the point of making herself cry and nauseous, over the idea that we may (or may not) get thunderstorms today. The news channel was talking about possible tornadoes and hail and that’s all mom heard. She didn't hear it will mostly go east of us. She has now focused on the “horrible storms” that are coming. I cannot convince her otherwise. Hence my portable office now is in her room.

I often wonder if I'm doing all I can for mom. There are days when all I can handle is having her in the kitchen for lunch and then it’s back to her bed. That sounds awful doesn't it? I leave her alone in her room more often than I should. I know this. I do have the baby monitor and I do check on her. But I wonder if it’s the best for her or is it my way of disengaging from her?

I ran errands yesterday morning and took mom with me. I hit the post office, Kohl’s and Staples. I left her in the van each time; I didn't even have her wheelchair with me. I chose to make it a fast trip and was done in an hour and a half including stopping for lunch. I haven't had a chance to go shopping by myself in a while. Until yesterday I didn't realize how I'd been missing it. While driving mom chatted with me about the newest people on her “I don't like them” list and talked about the 80’s as if they were yesterday. I nodded and said the appropriate things, but in my head I was running over the dates. See I have a very hard time not correcting her so I've resorted to making the corrections in my head. If she could see my expression while I'm driving she'd see my eyes roll, my lips purse and my face flush in anger about the things she says. Lucky for me, she can't because she has a hard enough time keeping up with the traffic and where exactly where we are. I keep these expressions to myself when anyone else is around- I don't want them to see my impatience and anger. I feel guilty for feeling these things and then my logical side says it’s normal and I feel guilty for feeling guilty. Vicious circle right?

Now those of you who follow me regularly know that I have W in my life. And he is wonderful. I am lucky to have him to keep me sane and laughing. I love the time I spend with him- anything from grocery shopping to rummaging- it’s our time even if we take mom along. We laugh and act like morons and it’s wonderful. I know I can tell him at any point that I need time alone. I know this and yet I haven't said it. Well I have but it’s more an “I’m gonna nap” thing. I haven’t said to him, “I'm going out and I'll be back when I don't feel like screaming like my hair is on fire.” I don't want to burden him with mom. I know he's not comfortable with her yet and she's not comfortable with him completely yet. Though she does call him her boyfriend and giggles. But I'm not where I feel like leaving them alone for more than an hour is a good thing.  I can leave her with Dad but that's different. And no it's not because I don't trust him. It's more a worry about mom having a panic attack and W not being able to calm her because she won't be calmed.

 

I also know that even if I had a slew of helpers (family, friends or nurses) I’d still have the worries I have now. I would worry that she’s being difficult or that she’s going to have a panic attack or that she'd be mean. I wouldn't relax knowing she was home with someone that isn't dad or me.  It’s a feeling I'm not accustomed to. I never worried when it was my dogs I was leaving somewhere, but then again it may have simply been because they're crate trained and can’t talk so they were easy to care for in my mind. I know I need a break before I go postal. I just don't know how to get the break I need.

For today I am chewing on guilt with a side of worry and impatience. Someone pass me the Tums….