Last year for Mother's day I wrote a letter to the child I never got to hold. He or She would have been 19 this year. This time of year is always bittersweet to me because of what I don't have and what I'm slowly losing.
As you know, if you follow my FB page or this blog, I take care of my mom because of her dementia. I am marking another Mother's Day with her, but it's not like it used to be. I have a card that W and I will give her and I will go pick up some tulips for next to her bed on Saturday or Sunday. But we won't take her out for brunch or dinner. We may try to take a short car ride.... it can't be too long or too far as that confuses her now. But most likely the day will be spent as if it was any other Sunday.
It saddens me, yes. Am I trying to put a positive spin on it... you bet. How's that working for me... not so great. I have spent the majority of my day on the couch wrapped in my woobie playing online games. W is in the recliner doing the same. He is a little more antsy than me so I don't know how much longer he'll keep at it. I am sad over these changes in mom. There's no way around it. I will cry about them at some point today and let the hurt out. Between writing about it and letting some tears fall, that's how I deal with it.
In regards to the child I don't have.... that one is sitting a lot heavier on me this year. I think it's because I look at W and wish I had been the mother of his children. I want, in a way I haven't since before my hysterectomy, to have his child. To bring to life a child that is as the perfect mix of us... to be our legacy. I can picture in my mind the blond curls of a daughter who would wrap W around her finger with every smile and tear shed. I can see a rough and ready son that plays hard, is stubborn and yet gentle like his father. I can see how W and I would warp their little sense of humors- fart jokes, love of Benny Hill, silly names, etc. I am working through all of this. I know there is no chance of giving W a child made up of our joint DNA. He's okay with it because he has two children from previous relationships. He's a great dad. And maybe that's why I am having such a time with it. Maybe it's simply regretting the stupidity of running from him when I was 19. Maybe it's simply wishing we had made that miracle together. I don't know for sure, all I know is my heart hurts over what might have been.
So this weekend whether you're a mom or celebrating your mom remember that there are numerous women out there wishing they had the title of Mom. Be grateful for what you have. Be in the moment and make the memories to last. Put down your phones, computers, etc and just enjoy what you have. One day you'll need those memories to make the holiday easier....
**** You can find last year's Mother's Day blog here
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