18 years and not much more to go.....

I realized today that a piece of my past is dying. A piece that I treasure. It is a material thing, literally. And maybe I shouldn’t put so much value on it. But I love this item and have always taken pride in it and now, well now I feel grief over its demise.

I have had this piece in my possession for 18 years. Holy shit! It’s lasted longer than some of my friendships and it definitely has outlasted all of my romances. Good Lord I’m getting old. Can it really be that old? Let me tell you the story….

I was 19 and in my freshmen year of college at the University of North Texas in Denton, Texas. I had just turned 19 and wanted to buy myself something for my big day, so off to the bookstore I went. I fell in love the instant I saw it. It was perfect- heather gray with the University of North Texas written across the chest.  I slipped it over my head and found the fit of a lifetime. It wasn’t too heavy, it wasn’t too light. It was an XL and hung on me just as I’d always wanted a sweatshirt too. I spent my cash on it and it is one purchase I have never ever regretted.

I have numerous pictures of me in my sweatshirt over the years. Some with college friends, others with boyfriends, even a few with family. As the years have gone by this sweatshirt has hung on and is the one I turn to for comfort 9 times out of 10. I have worn it in all four seasons; day and night. I have worn it on girl’s trips, casino runs, midnight snack runs. I have packed it for just about every trip- even to Mexico for the 4^th of July in 1997. It has traveled to PA, WA, WI, IL, CO, the south of France and Vilseck, Germany

I have tried other sweatshirts out. I even was lucky enough to have Cowgirl send me one she no longer wears that is from UNT. They just aren’t the same. I do own a hoodie that is emblazoned with UNT across it and I wear that as a jacket here in CO. And it is comfy and it will most likely become my go to sweatshirt for this winter. But it just won’t be the same.

I have gained over 40 pounds since I bought this prized sweatshirt and it does not judge me. It hides my fat rolls and keeps me comfy. I have curled up in it for days when my depression was too thick for me to move. I have cried in its sleeve, hid my face with its neck when my cheeks have turned crimson, and I turn to it on the days I need just a little bit of coverage to stay warm. It is getting thinner and thinner with every wash; the cuffs are slowly starting to rip and unfurl. It causes my heart to hurt to see it getting closer and closer to the day it just won’t be wearable anymore.

I WILL figure out a way to keep my sweatshirt alive- somehow, someway. In the meantime, I’m going to be hitting Ebay up to see if by chance its sibling is out there somewhere….

Embracing the me that I am

A very dear and close friend came to visit me a week ago. She flew in on a Wednesday night and left early Sunday morning. It was a visit I needed more than I realized. We laughed, and shopped and talked and then shopped some more. She believes in retail therapy as much as I do and it was good to have that therapy with her. I even took her to IKEA for her first visit- now she loves it as much as I do.

We drove up to Fort Collins on Saturday. We shopped, ate and shopped some more. It was wonderful. But the thing I liked best was being able to talk very honestly and openly with her. She has never judged me or told me I’m wrong for the feelings I have. She understands me in a way some people never will because we have a common bond in our past. There is acceptance and love and a deeper understanding with this woman than I have with any other friend because of that shared bond.

On the way home from Fort Collins (it’s an hour drive each way) I brought up a topic that has been running in circles in my head- careers.  My friend is very career driven and I respect and admire her for that. I do not always understand what she’s talking about when she tells me about work, but I listen. I get the general idea, I’m not brainless, but I don’t get the rush from it like she does. Her work is very important to her and always has been. She works hard and it shows.

I, on the other hand, am not. I do not enjoy corporate America. I do not enjoy being stuck behind a desk. I have a tendency to put in too many hours and then get sick- and not just a cold. I have had Shingles three times, my liver had issues laying me up for a week, I've had ocular migraines that took a week to diagnose and the list goes on. Since leaving corporate America, I don’t have the stress and haven’t gotten sick like that. (Yes the heart thing, but that they think has been there for years!)

While speaking with my friend she said, “In the time I've known you, you've never been career driven. It’s never been the driving force for you.” She’s known me 9 years and knows my work history. For her to see this about me, to understand it and to accept me for it was marvelous. We spoke further about what that means for me in the long run.

I like taking care of my family and loved ones. I have always wanted to be a mom and a writer. Well the mom thing hasn't happened yet, but the writing thing- that I am doing. And I’m taking care of my mom which is exactly where I need to be. Family means a lot to me and I will always put them first. That’s how I am.

My dad has never understood this part of me. He can’t fathom that I don’t want to have a career. I think he sees it as a weakness. He laments on how I should have taken more business classes in college, or why don't I become a technical writer. He will not accept that I suck at tech writing- I failed the course in college (two of my professors told me to drop before the course ended but I was determined to stick it out) and have tried it for other jobs. I like words; I like to paint a picture with them. I find it very frustrating to do technical writing. I know my own limitations and keeping it short and sweet isn't me. I don’t like disappointing him in this way. I know I could get a job if I needed to. I’m not above any job; I've worked in all kinds of fields. But the field I like best is the one I’m in RIGHT now. I’m happy, I’m content and I am lucky.

Eventually, I will need to get a full time job to provide for myself (unless God sends me a lottery win or wonderful partner that will continue to allow me not to work). I know this. And I will do it. In the meantime, I’m going to write and take care of my mom. I have talked and talked and talked about my dream to become a published author. Well, no more talk- just action. I have confidence in my ability to tell a story- whether it be my own or one from my imagination. I can write a term paper, I can write an erotic story. I can weave the layers and draw in my reader. This is where my drive lies, where my passion lives.

Talking about and admitting that I am not a career minded woman may ruffle some feathers. Some may even think I’m setting women back. I don’t think that’s the case. I am not saying my way is the right way or your way is wrong. I just know for me, career hasn't ever been a defining force. Learning to listen to your own song, to follow your own path, to do what makes you happy- that’s what this is about. I’m accepting what lies in my heart instead of trying to do what others think I should. I am embracing the passion that breathes inside of me instead of being someone I’m not.