Blessed to be here...

It's taken me a few days to really wrap my head around how bad things were before my pacemaker. It's taken me these days to absorb the what could have been's. I need to talk about them, so here I go.

My heart was pausing for anywhere from 3 to 7.2 seconds at a time. Not just once a day, not twice… MULTIPLE times a day. Some pauses would come in clusters of 3-5 at a time. I watched them on the monitor while in the hospital. I laughed about it while I was in there because I didn't want to really think about what it meant. Hell, I even figured out that if I coughed I could make the monitor look like a mountain range- my own personal etch a sketch. The nurses probably wanted to smack me for that. But I had to handle it. I couldn't break down in front of mom and dad. I had to be strong.

These pauses are not normal. My heart was trying it's best to keep up but it was failing. Miserably.

When the cardiologist (whom I have a crush on) walks in to your hospital room and looks at you in shock, it's not good. And when the electro-physiologist comes in and looks so apologetic, it's not good either. Hind sight is 20/20 and both of these doctors apologized for missing the signs. They both told me this has most likely been my problem for the past two and a half years, if not longer.  They got stuck on the fact that I'm only 36 and it's very rare to have this be the issue. My electro- Dr. K- was genuine in his surprise that this was my problem. As he told me, "you were text book in retrospect." I know from now on he'll look at younger patients with my symptoms and double check them for pauses. And that does my heart good, because it may save someone's life.

I could have suffered sudden cardiac arrest. I could have died in my sleep, while sitting watching TV, doing laundry or driving. I could have been like my cousin 9 years ago that didn't come home from shopping. She passed away in her car and the only thing they could find was a possible arrhythmia. That could have been me.  I didn't want to think of those possibilities while I was lying in the hospital. I knew I was safe there. I had so many monitors hooked up to me and the entire Telemetry floor got to know me. If I sneezed, they called my nurse to check on me. When I started doing the coughing, my nurse came running. She laughed but I stopped it after the night nurse came running with two others. I felt bad seeing the worry on her face.

I stayed upbeat in the hospital because that's how I cope. I made the nurses laugh; the nursing assistants watched "Will & Grace" and "Duck Dynasty" with me. I ate because I was starving. And I watched the monitor. I got to where I could tell my dad to watch it too because I felt the pauses coming on. It was kinda cool to see how when I got a head rush, the monitor showed a short pause or a bunch of short ones, or one llllllooooooonnnnnngggggg one.

It was last night when it all hit me. I was trying to fall asleep and couldn't get comfortable. I am sleeping in my parent's king size bed so that they can hear me from the spare room. As I lay there counting my pulse (it was 63- it can't get below 50 or over 140 without the pacemaker kicking in), I started to cry. I was in pain and I realized that this could have ended so differently. I could be in heaven with Tony today instead of getting ready to watch movies with Daddy.

Between God and Tony, they took care of me. I have some very good guardian angels and am grateful for them. I'm sure Tony needs a rest now. Before he died he promised me he'd always take care of me, just like he'd done while he was alive. He has more than fulfilled that promise.

This entire ordeal has me rethinking things. I'm blessed to have the guardian angels I do- I miss them all so very much but know they played a huge part in keeping me here on earth. I am beyond grateful for all the prayers I received from family, friends, followers of my pages and friends of friends who heard about what was going on. I can't say enough about Amanda (see http://composingthedreamasigo.blogspot.com/2013/07/i-owe-her-my-life.html) and will forever be in her debt.

It will take 7 more days to be able to shower and drive. Then it will be 3 more months of healing to ensure the leads don't come out of my heart. In those 3 months I can do some exercise and I will. I will take the small steps needed to heal properly. I look forward to getting my life back. And if they doctor's are right, I'll feel like I did 5 years ago. I'm optimistic but realistic. I'll never take a day for granted again!

In the meantime, I'll be re-evaluating my plans and goals. I want to make sure I don't waste this 2nd chance. I am one of the lucky ones!

I owe her my life

It's been three days since I had the pacemaker put in. Three days of pain in my shoulder, weird pulsing in my throat and discovering how good it feels to walk up and down the stairs without getting winded.

It's been six days since Amanda at the clinic fought to get me a special heart monitor that was monitored 24/7. I owe her my life. That is not an exaggeration. Let me explain…

For the past few months I've been dealing with heart issues. They thought it was SVT (supra ventricular tachycardia) so the cardiologist did an ablation to burn the over active nerves in my heart. That was done at the end of March 2013. It seemed to make my heart and life better. Until a month or so later when I could feel the pulsing again. It wasn't different for me. I had been feeling this weird skipping, pulsating for months if not years. I was put on a Holter monitor that I pushed the button on when I felt the pulsating.

The monitor just showed pre-beats. But that was wrong. It wasn't pre-beats. It was showing the after effects of my hear pausing. By the time I felt this pulsating, my heart was already coming out of the pause. The monitor wasn't catching the real problem.

I saw the cardiologist on the 8th of July and he thought my dizzy spells were just a passing thing. But told me to slap on a bp cuff when I felt them to see if they could notice a pattern. On the 15th of July I saw my Primary care doctor because I couldn't feel my own pulse and neither could the bp cuff. She called the cardiologist and demanded a follow up appointment on the 18th.

Seeing the cardiologist again so soon wasn't what he wanted because he couldn't figure out what was wrong. But he did what he called a shotgun approach and put me on a new med, ordered another heart monitor for 30 days and referred me to a neurologist. You see every time they did an EKG on me I was lying down and my heart rate and bp were normal. My heart could handle me laying down very well. It was when I was up or restless while sleeping that the problem occurred.

The day I saw the cardiologist, I was able to make an appointment to get my monitor the following Monday. I made a point of having the scheduler tell Amanda it was me again. God made my mouth speak up.

It was because of that point being made that God then put a gut instinct in to Amanda. He made her fight for the better, more expensive, monitor. And thank GOD she did. I had the monitor on for 24 hours and it picked up at least three 7.2 second pauses and a bunch of clusters of 3-6 second pauses. It's because of that monitor that I was told to get to the hospital. It was because of how bad those pauses are that I was kept in the hospital. It was because AMANDA fought for me that I didn't die. When I spoke with her on Thursday, before my procedure, we both cried. She told me how she felt pushed to get me that monitor all weekend, how she couldn't get over the nagging feeling that it had to be the better monitor. She knew in her heart that God needed her to save me from a very bad outcome.

I owe her my life. I will never be able to repay her for saving me. I will forever be grateful to her. 

To the one I never should have loved....

J.K-

I haven’t written you in years. I swore that I’d done enough of it the last time. But my heart knows I have to do this- the final letter, the final farewell. I need to say some things to you that are eating at me. I need to clear the debris of our love affair from my heart and make way for new love to enter. I need to do this for me.

You’re an ass. You know this. I know this. Hell, everyone who has ever met you knows this. You’re cocky and self-assured. It’s what drew me to you. I needed that in my life and you had it in spades. You're still an ass and I don't need that anymore.

We were doomed from the start. But I wanted you and had to have you- damn the consequences and whoever else got hurt in the process. Karma bitch slapped me later but you’ve always come out on top. I’ve hated you for that for a long time. It’s time to let go of the hate.

We met through Tony. You were his friend first, and last. I came in fifth or sixth on your list. You were first on mine- always. When he died I thought I lost you then. But you came back to me later….

That last time we tried to be together you broke my heart so deeply that I lept feet first in to a bad relationship just to numb the pain. When you came to me I was taken aback, but glad to finally have you. We’d tried before and couldn’t get it right. This time you asked me if I remembered a letter I wrote to you where I told you that you were the right guy but wrong time. That night you told me “right guy, right time” and my heart was so full and happy. I believed you, in you and in us.

A handful of weeks into our new chapter, you disappeared. That’s when she must have told you she was pregnant. You knew I couldn’t give you this one thing she could. I didn’t know it then- because you lied your way out of my life again- HE, that beautiful little boy, was the reason she won. I know now, hell it doesn’t take a genius to do the math. You should have told me. Instead I beat myself up for not being skinny enough, for not being this or that enough for you. I let your lies tear my heart apart and beat myself up so badly that I endangered my own life to kill the pain you left.

I wouldn’t/ can’t fault you for wanting what I couldn’t give you. I know how much having a namesake meant to you. I will never blame that little boy for being. I blame you for not being man enough to tell me. I blame you for not being the man I deserved. I blame you for letting me down and for letting Tony down- you’ll have to face him sooner than me. You know how much he loved you, how much he loved me. You know how much he hated to have someone hurt me and someone he loved so much to hurt me…. I’m just glad he didn’t see it in person because that would have killed him.

I deleted you from my phone a while back. I had to. I have to let go of the story of us. I have to let go of the what-if’s. I did all I could to show you how much you were loved. I just wish I’d never fallen for you because you never deserved the love I gave you. You didn’t ever deserve my heart. You will never hear from me. I won’t go down that road ever again.

I used to envy her- she had you. But I know that in the long run I’m the one who came out on top- I never lied to you!

Goodbye,

The one who used to love you

London

This is London! She was the 2nd dog that I ever had. She was my first dog love (Petey and I got off to a rough start and she came along just two weeks after he did-lol). She went everywhere with me for the first few weeks I had her- she was so little she fit in the pocket of my overalls and I took her to my college classes.

I have no idea what kind of dog she was. When she was just 9 months old, my husband (now ex) tripped over Petey and landed on London. Her back was badly injured and the vet encouraged me to put her down. I refused. I spent more money on her that I ever spent on myself to make sure she would survive. She was in a full cast for months (Petey tried chewing her out numerous times). Because we were sure she'd never walk again my hubby was about to make her a wheelchair, as he tired to fit it to her she got up and hobbled away. I cried for an hour or so and held her tight. After that I realized I was impeding her recovery, and from then on she had to walk to get things. And she did. She always had a limp and ran with her two back legs working together, but she was the beat the odds.

In 2005 she got really sick and I had to put her down. Thanks to all the meds from her injury her immune system started attacking her. I still cry (am now) when I think of her. She was my lifeline after my divorce as she was the only one I could take with me at first. I loved her more than I ever loved anything (sometimes more than people too). She was my baby and I had to let her go on 9/12/2005 (just four days before my bday). I am still not over her.

To my best little girl- You are so dearly missed. You are my first true love and I will forever be grateful to you for being in my world. I faced more scary things with you beside me than I could have alone. I can't wait to see you again and know you'll be the first one to me as I cross over. Momma loves you so very much my girl!