Mother's Day 2013

My Dearest Angel-

Today the world celebrates Moms. It’s a bittersweet holiday for me. I am blessed to have my mom still, though for how much longer I don’t know. More of her leaves us each day. It was a good day with her and for her.

But it doesn't fill the hole that is in my heart- the small tiny hole that you left. I found out about you on the day I lost you. Back then it didn't hit me as hard as it does now. I was barely 18 and in a very abusive relationship. I never told my mom about you or my dad- your grandparents. Your dad never even knew about you- I don't think he deserved to know after all the hurt he caused that day and after. There were only three people who knew of you back then. They kept that secret for me- one I’m sure you met the day she came to Heaven. I have told a few about you since then, but never let them see how much I long for you. Today I’ll share a bit of what lies on my mind every year at this time- the time of year you would have been born.

I can’t stop myself from wondering if you’d have been a boy or a girl. I wonder if you’d have had my chubby cheeks, your uncle’s silly grin, or your father’s stubborn ways. Would you have been blonde? Would you have been blessed with rich mocha eyes? Are you a Johanna? Or a Zach? Or would your name have leapt from my lips the moment you were first laid in my arms? I picture you in my mind as the happiest baby ever- the one people would stop to smile at. I can’t help but think of you as simply and only mine. I know that you would have changed my world from what I've known since. You would have been the center of my world. There is nothing I can think of that I wouldn’t have done for you.

I can see in my mind how I would have rocked you every night, how I would have made you giggle during bath time, watched you sleep and cried with you over every illness. I imagine how you’d have been as a toddler- willful and a handful. I can see you on your first day of school (I am sure I would have cried more than you), your first middle school dance and then as an independent teen ready for high school- driving and Prom. This month we would have celebrated your 18^th birthday and graduation from high school all in the span of a few weeks. I would have been the proudest Mom in the crowd.

We weren't able to pass even the smallest milestone together- God had a bigger plan for you and me. I celebrate what might have been every year when I take an hour alone to just miss you. I miss you so much though I never saw your face. I will curl up with our teddy bear, the one I’ve had since I lost you and I’ll hold him close and send all my love to you. Every butterfly I see over the next few weeks will cause me to smile and say a prayer for you because I will know it’s my angel flying by.

Angel mine, I know one day I will finally hold you close. Until then, know this my baby… I am your momma and I love you to the moon and back. There will only ever be you- my one and only you.

Sweet dreams my heart,

Mommy