Worry

As some of you know, I've been experiencing some heart issues lately. My pulse is racing often and my diastolic number is hovering at 109 much too often. I will be starting 24hours of monitoring tomorrow at 11 am. I have faith that this will show the good doctors where the issue is and they will be able to fix it. I will not settle for "oh it's normal."

As some of you may also know, I live with my parents. They are both in their late 60's and my mother has dementia. I am living with them so that I can be mom's daytime caregiver. I am happy to help them out as I know they won't be around forever and this is a blessing.

Tonight as we were all getting ready to go to bed, my mom's necklace had its usual issue. The damn chain is paper thin and when you let go of one end by accident the end consistently will end up getting caught in the back of the heart pendant. Now when this happens to me, I have learnt to use gravity to get it to come undone. When this happens to Dad, he apparently gets the pliers out. I heard him tell mom he'd get the pliers and fix it so I came out of my room. I thought it was no big deal and I could spare him the hassle and would help him. Not tonight.

Y'all… my daddy yelled at me. This is not normal for him. Especially at me. I can count on my two hands the number of times over my 36 years he has gone above just talking to me. I was taken aback at him hollering at me, over the necklace. I kept my cool and calmly told him there was no need for yelling, it was just a necklace. He gave me the necklace roughly and I had it unstuck in seconds. But he didn't calm down right away. He was still upset when he went to bed.

It got me to thinking. My dad doesn't over react like that unless he's worried. And he is. He won't talk to me about what he's feeling. He never has been one to really share what he feels with me. Now don't get me wrong, I have no doubt how much my Daddy loves me. He tells me at least twice a day and he makes sure that I know it. And he's gotten really good about showing me his appreciation about what I'm doing here.

But talking with me about how he feels right now with my heart issue, that's not going to happen. I know now just how worried he is. And I hate that I'm the cause of that worry. I would do anything to take that worry away. I don't like to upset my daddy, never have.

When I got beat up by my brother's best friend back in 1995, I had to call my dad and tell him what happened. It was the day before his birthday and I had to tell him that Dumbass had thrown me in to a wall and had gone to jail for it. I was crying after I said "Daddy… I got hurt last night…"

When I came home with my tail between my legs because I was ashamed of failing at marriage, it hurt to look at my dad. What I didn't realize was that he wasn't hurt that I was getting divorced; he was hurt that I was hurting.

The relationship I have with my dad… it's better than most kids will ever have. He's not just my Dad, he's my friend. He's the one man I know will always have my back. He used to be one of two, but with Tony gone, he's gotten to be the only one.

Right now, he's worried about me. I'm worried about me. I know that no matter what, we'll handle whatever it is together. I just pray for both our sakes that we get answers sooner than later.

And since I know my dad reads my blog… this message is for him:

Daddy,

I'm sorry I upset you tonight. I know you didn't mean to holler at me. But its okay, I understand. You're just as worried about me as I am about you.

Thank you for loving me so much. Thank you for driving me to the doctor's appointments, to the grocery store, to my art class. I know you don't want me to get in a car accident if my heart does one of its races. I appreciate how concerned you are.

I am going to be okay Daddy. I have to be. Tony knows that you and mom need me. He's taking care of me. And he won't let anything bad happen to me. He's got us covered Daddy.

Just know this Daddy; I am the luckiest daughter ever. I got the grand prize when God gave me you.

I love you very much!

Princess Plumber

And to you Dreamers, thank you for the continued prayers, support and good thoughts and mojo you're sending. I feel it all and am truly blessed to have you.

~ The Composer