My dearest Amy,
It's me, the 36 year old version. You have
many plans laid out for yourself. Those plans are going to change. BIG TIME.
You are going to lose things that matter so much to you. But you will survive
it all. I can promise you that.
You will get married in 2000. Divorce in
2003. You married to be married. The love you and he had, it wasn't the lasting
kind. Both of you made mistakes in those three years, but don't stress over it.
You need to make those mistakes so that you can grow, so that you can see what
real love is. You'll be okay.
You're in college right now. Enjoy it. It
will go by much too fast. However, stop drinking and driving. No, you get lucky
and never have an accident. But it's still not smart. When you turn 21 you'll be
over the drinking thing. Don't go to the frat parties. And don't date the
waiter from Fridays- he has a drug problem that you don't need in your life. Do
go to the Army –Navy game, you’ll have a blast. And forget about the tech writing
class- you suck at it and will fail. Just skip it and save dad the money.
STOP having casual sex. You're going to
regret it. You're young now and think it's no big deal. But it is. You lose
sight of how important you are. You stoop to a level that you shouldn't.
Experimentation is not the issue. Kiss a girl, sleep with a girl- it won't hurt
you in the long run. You haven't a clue as to what real love is yet. You throw "I
love you" around like candy, save it for the right one. The idiots you
"date" in college aren't the lasting kind. You miss out on a great
guy because you're too cocky for your own good. It's a mistake you will learn
from.
Two days after your divorce is final, a
call will come from St. Luke's hospital. You will rush back to WI to be with
Tony. It's going to be hard to see him. It's going to feel like your heart is
ripped in two. He'll make it through that one, but he won't live to see you get
married again. Treasure the months you live together in 2004. He needs you to
get to know him. He needs you to help him see that he is a "Lucky
Man".
The first man you date after your divorce,
he's not true love. You'll know it all along but you'll try to make it work anyway.
It's a bad relationship to be in. He's too in love with his alcohol and not
enough with you. You will love him, just not enough to settle for the spending
the rest of your life sitting on a bar stool next to him. You deserve much more
than he can offer. He is a mistake you have to make. He will bring a wonderful
woman in to your life- she's still one of your BFF'S!
You'll work for a great company in
Waukesha. You will learn valuable business lessons from the owner. You'll laugh
and grow into a kick ass woman. You'll meet a guy who looks good on paper.
You'll move up north to Green Bay for him. I wish you wouldn't.
When you move, it will be for love- bad
love, one that will scar you for life. You should stay near Tony. You will
regret not being near him. The man you moved for, he'll turn out to be the
biggest asshole in your life. He will degrade you; he will wound your soul. It
will take a few years to heal from the hurt he hands you. This is one decision
I wish I could prevent you from making. It ends so badly. You get hurt so
deeply that I still cry from the pain. But you will do it, no matter how messed
up it ends.
In March of 2007 Tony will ask you to move
him up to Green Bay to be near you. You will deny the reason for the move until
May. Then you will finally see that Christmas Dec of 2006 he's known what lies
ahead. When you finally see it, don't run to the asshole. Run to Tony; let him
help you because it will help him too. He never wants to hurt you, but in
August of 2007 his death will tear you apart and forever change the course of
your life.
Yes, you read that right. The one person
who's always been there for you will leave you. He will die with dignity after
fighting cancer for 12 years. Our heart is going to be broken- a piece of it
will forever be missing because it goes with Tony to Heaven. Reach out to your
family in Neenah. They want to help you. They love you. Don't act like
everything is okay. Get out of your own head and get help. But I know you, I
know me, and we just can't admit when we're lost.
After Tony dies, the asshole's true colors
will become crystal clear to you. You will find a new life in a small house in
Neenah. It will be your saving grace and your cave for five years. It will
strengthen you as an independent woman, but it will also show you that you cannot
beat your depression on your own. In the end, you'll lose that little house
thanks to an economy that goes to shit. But the memories and two best friends
you make living there will start to heal your heart and soul.
AND don't answer the call from the asshole.
You'll regret it. He'll say things to you that degrade you again. It's not
worth it. He's not worth your time. Do not believe him when he tells you that
loving him is your greatest reward. It is not. He is a selfish human being and
he dragged you down for two years. Don't answer the call and don't go to see
him. You don't deserve to be treated as a toy.
Tony's death will forever change you; some
for the better, some for the worse. Treasure all the time you have with him.
Don't feel bad about the fights, you both are stubborn. But don't pass on the
time you could be with him, the asshole will guilt trip you, but Tony's not
going to be around forever. Tony's going to be scared and he's going to need
you to help him get ready to go. And when he tells you thank you…. You'll never
stop hearing that in your head.
My dear Amy, you are naïve and young and
dumb. You lead with your heart on your sleeve. You will be taken advantage of.
You will be hurt may times. You will wonder why you even bother at times. Your
heart will be broken more from losing Tony, then from losing your greatest
love. Yes, there will be one love that you have that will top all others. He
will come to you when he needs saving. Let it happen and let it end. It's meant
to be that way.
Tony and you have a bond that death will
not break. He will send you the life line you so desperately need in the form
of a neighbor who becomes a best friend. Your aunt will become your confidant
and she’ll let you live with her. And a
woman you have known all your life will become more than a cousin; she’ll end
up being the sister you never had. Look for the signs he will send you. He will
always have your back.
I wish I could prevent the hurt you're
going to have, but then you'd miss out on some great adventures. IBM will be a
crappy job but you'll start a lifelong friendship there- a true BFF. Enjoy the
Big & Rich concert in Madison in 2005. Don't cut all your hair off in 2009,
I'm still trying to grow it out- patience is not our virtue. Rock out to Montgomery Gentry every chance
you get, you'll understand after Tony's gone. Enjoy Vegas, grab Elvis' ass- you
won't regret that. Say yes to going out with friends- hit the lake with them.
Don't be shy about asking for Troy Gentry's autograph in 2003. Enjoy getting to know your aunts and cousins
better. Learn to make an old-fashioned, don't keep letting the other bartenders
do it. Country USA! GO and ENJOY and FLASH - those are great memories. Two
tattoos will adorn your skin in 2009- they ROCK! Kiss and cuddle with Petey,
Trixie and LONDON (three dogs you will leave your marriage with), for they are
gone much too soon. DANCE- it's good for you. And in the name of all the is
holy, don't eat that first Mint Truffle Hershey's Kiss- they only make our ass
much too big and Trixie will eat an entire bag on you in Dec 2010 while you are
at the neighbors. We are still not over that incident! LOL
Amy, you're going to be okay. It's not
going to be the way you have laid out in your head right now. But that's okay.
It's a path only you can walk. Don't lose your faith in God, because he never
loses his faith in you. Cry when you need to. Scream when you have to. Fight for
what you believe in. And don’t ever doubt that you are loved by your family and
friends.
I've left out quite a bit- some good, some
bad, some GREAT. This life we live isn't perfect, but it’s ours. Be proud of
yourself, because I am.
Much love and devotion,
The older and wiser YOU!
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