Will you be my mom?

I find myself near tears today. I don't feel good; I am having high pain and feel emotionally unstable. One minute I want to weep, the next scream and then I get sullen. It's just a bad day. I want to be able to go curl up in bed and just stay away from everyone. I can't. I am sitting here in the recliner in mom's room. Thunder is cracking and rain is falling. Mom is snoozing off and on.

It's been a mellow day for mom. We both fell asleep this morning after dad left for work and woke up in time for lunch. I made mom her normal lunch- tuna and mini Oreo's. She drank her Dr. Pepper and did okay. I ate at the same time and we watched Frasier together. I only had to help mom with one spoon full of tuna today, which is better than yesterday. When I brought her back to her room to lay back down, she was chattering away about one of my cousins and how cute his girls are. I made the appropriate noises and was careful not to correct her about how old he and his girls are. I realize she is back in the early 80's and just use my own memories of the time to fill in the blanks. As I helped her move from her wheelchair to the bed she smiled at me and said "I love you." I told her the same. As I covered her up she asked me, "Will you be my mom?"

How do I answer that? I didn't see it coming. It took me a few seconds to come up with the answer. "I'm your daughter, I can't be your mom. You're my mom."

"Oh…." She looked confused and then quickly said, "Yeah I know that."

I recognized that statement and the look on her face. I know that this is her way of covering up for what she doesn't know. She can say "Yeah I know that" and make herself feel better. I don't fall for it but I also don't call her out on it. I know it would cause more harm than good.

Should I have said I'd be her mom? Did I do the right thing? I don't know. I never truly know if my answers are the right ones. All I know is that I have to do what I think is best. I have to answer her without crying and without upsetting her. I have to choose my words carefully and thoughtfully but quickly because too long of a pause and she gets upset and feels as if she's being ignored. I can't let my frustration come through. I can't be too sassy or sarcastic (though I get it from her!) but must keep humor in my responses.

She is lying on her back and I'm to her left. She can see me if she turns her head far enough. She knows I am here. But she has conversations with people I don't see. She talks to my grandfather, my brother, her one sister and her favorite aunt. If I ask her what she's talking about, she tells me it's none of my business and turns her head to the right as if she can't see me, I can't see her. I act as though I'm not paying her any attention and she resumes her conversation. She will doze off occasionally and wake with a start to resume her conversation. I hear some of the words but not all of them. I will probably never be privy to those conversations. But I will be expected to know what she's been talking about as if I was. It's a fine line. It's a line that I tiptoe along a lot. I've gotten good at nodding and laughing and saying "hmmm" at the appropriate spots. That comforts her and that's what matters.

We are helping mom more and more. I wash her hair and give her a shower, she just sits or stands there. She can't figure out how to use the shampoo anymore. When she eats, her hand shakes. Half the food falls off the spoon, some hits the bowl while the rest hits the placemat. She is eating simpler and simpler every day- tuna, chicken nuggets, mini Oreos, fruit cocktail, candy, apple slices. I got her adult sippy cups so that she can drink without help and not get soaked in the process. She has special silverware with big handles, but she doesn't like them very much. Her sweatshirt has food stains and her fingernails always have Oreo crumbs under them. I do my best to keep up with it, but she hates having her nails cleaned. I trim them as often as I can but stopped painting them because I noticed she was chewing on her nails and I don't want her eating the nail polish. She hasn't had her wedding rings on this week because she forgot she's not wearing them. I think that's good because I noticed she was playing with them and putting them on the wrong fingers. She also was holding them in her lips- I'm worried she'll choke on them. I have to remember to tell dad not to put them on her again. I keep baby wipes around to clean her face. I have disposable washcloths to help keep her clean everywhere else. I don't know how much longer we'll be able to get her in the shower. It's getting more and more difficult as she can't follow simple directions any more. All these changes are happening. I can't stop or slow them down. And I'm back on the verge of tears….

I feel like I talk to you all about the same thing every time I write. And maybe I am. I don't know anymore. I think about the changes so much that when I finally sit down to write a blog, I wonder if I've already hashed this all out. Please forgive me if I ramble, forgive me if I'm repeating myself. I am grateful to you all for listening, for the support and the love. I truly appreciate you more than I can express.