Changes are coming...

Over the past few months there has been a slow but steady decline in mom. It started with the Urgent care visit leading to ER visits which lead to an OB-GYN visit for testing which lead to everything being okay in that regard. Then Dad brought home a cold and mom caught it and that lead to two rounds of thrush. From January to February she lost 13 pounds and I can see she’s lost more in the past month- I’d guess at least another 7 or so. Getting her to stand on a scale is damn near impossible so I don’t have an accurate number…. YET- next Tuesday she meets her new doctor and I’ll be very interested to see what she weighs now.

Mom’s not eating much anymore. If we can get her to eat the equivalent to one decent meal a day it’s a shock. And drinking, goodness you’d think we were asking for gold from her. I am trying to tempt her with anything and everything. I don’t care if it’s too sugary or too processed, I just want her to eat and drink. I don’t want to have to put her in the hospital. But I am facing the very real thought that she may have to be put in a home. That’s what I didn’t want to do; I wanted to take care of her. But now I am seeing that may not be the best option for her or for me and dad. It’s sobering to have to face the reality that I cannot do as I had planned. I feel a certain amount of guilt for not being up to this part of the task but I also feel some relief. And that makes me feel guilty. Ah good ‘ole Catholic guilt rears its ugly head. I know I will come to terms with it all, just right now the train is running a loop that can’t be derailed.

I watched my brother die. I’ve written about it and it was the hardest journey I’ve ever been on. I look at my mom now and see the frailness coming over her. I can’t help but see Tony again and that just tears me up. I see her body using up all the fat she’s ever had and know firsthand that I can’t fix it. She’s as stubborn as they come and I can’t force her to eat. I cry for the loss now and the one in the future.

Her mind has good days and bad days. Today she’s scared the house is going to fly away thanks to where her room is and the fact that we have some wind gusts of 30-40 mph hitting that side of the house. She’s asked me three times already if I have to go anywhere today and I’ve said “Nope, not today. I don’t want to blow away.” I smiled at her and kissed her forehead knowing very well that she’ll ask me a few more times today.

I see how mom’s decline is affecting my dad too. He’s got more worry on his face and he’s snacking more. I get my bad snacking habits from him- it’s a bad way to cope but it’s ours. I want to take the worry from him but know I can’t. He has to face that his wife of 46 years is failing and we may not be able to keep her here at home much longer. My heart hurts for him. I can’t fix it but I can remind him that he’s done all he can and that I love him. We will get through it together- we are a team.

I have to face the fact that I am not superwoman and can’t do as I had hoped. I have to face that keeping her here at home may not be the best option anymore. Talking with her new doctor on Tuesday is going to be hard but I must be honest with him and her. It is going to freak her out to hear the words “nursing home” and/or “home health care”. But I know I have to do something more for her- I need help from others that aren’t family and won’t give in to her “I don’t want to” attitude.

In the meantime, I will look into our options. I will do my research and I will figure out what’s best for her, for all of us. And I will cry for the closing of another chapter….