Mother's Day 2013

My Dearest Angel-

Today the world celebrates Moms. It’s a bittersweet holiday for me. I am blessed to have my mom still, though for how much longer I don’t know. More of her leaves us each day. It was a good day with her and for her.

But it doesn't fill the hole that is in my heart- the small tiny hole that you left. I found out about you on the day I lost you. Back then it didn't hit me as hard as it does now. I was barely 18 and in a very abusive relationship. I never told my mom about you or my dad- your grandparents. Your dad never even knew about you- I don't think he deserved to know after all the hurt he caused that day and after. There were only three people who knew of you back then. They kept that secret for me- one I’m sure you met the day she came to Heaven. I have told a few about you since then, but never let them see how much I long for you. Today I’ll share a bit of what lies on my mind every year at this time- the time of year you would have been born.

I can’t stop myself from wondering if you’d have been a boy or a girl. I wonder if you’d have had my chubby cheeks, your uncle’s silly grin, or your father’s stubborn ways. Would you have been blonde? Would you have been blessed with rich mocha eyes? Are you a Johanna? Or a Zach? Or would your name have leapt from my lips the moment you were first laid in my arms? I picture you in my mind as the happiest baby ever- the one people would stop to smile at. I can’t help but think of you as simply and only mine. I know that you would have changed my world from what I've known since. You would have been the center of my world. There is nothing I can think of that I wouldn’t have done for you.

I can see in my mind how I would have rocked you every night, how I would have made you giggle during bath time, watched you sleep and cried with you over every illness. I imagine how you’d have been as a toddler- willful and a handful. I can see you on your first day of school (I am sure I would have cried more than you), your first middle school dance and then as an independent teen ready for high school- driving and Prom. This month we would have celebrated your 18^th birthday and graduation from high school all in the span of a few weeks. I would have been the proudest Mom in the crowd.

We weren't able to pass even the smallest milestone together- God had a bigger plan for you and me. I celebrate what might have been every year when I take an hour alone to just miss you. I miss you so much though I never saw your face. I will curl up with our teddy bear, the one I’ve had since I lost you and I’ll hold him close and send all my love to you. Every butterfly I see over the next few weeks will cause me to smile and say a prayer for you because I will know it’s my angel flying by.

Angel mine, I know one day I will finally hold you close. Until then, know this my baby… I am your momma and I love you to the moon and back. There will only ever be you- my one and only you.

Sweet dreams my heart,

Mommy

You're not a lady, you're a drama queen!

4/26/2013- Friday started out GREAT! It was my bestie's- Z- BIRTHDAY! This is the entire reason I was visiting. In the morning Z and I took her girls to lunch and to Target to spend some of their gift cards. Around 4:30 she and I got in the convertible and headed to her other bestie’s house to get ready for Z’s party. While the two of them styled their long locks, I played with F’s two new Chihuahua puppies. OMG! I seriously fell in love with them. Their names are Tattoo (he’s black with white markings) and Chipotle (he’s brown with white markings) and they are so damn little and cute and cuddly and silly. I renamed them George and Max respectively- though I don’t think I told F I renamed them! LOL

We left F’s and head to Chuy’s for dinner around 6:45. It was great because Z didn't know most of the group was meeting us there. She was surprised! We drank, ate, laughed, took a few pics and left. We had plans to hit a country bar or two. We were all ready to put on our dancing shoes and have an epic night.

9:45 pm- At the first bar we all got in free- Ladies Night! Woohoo! Kinda of dead though. We understood why when we got further in. It was old man night. One guy was celebrating his 70^th Birthday. I don’t think there was a man in that bar that was under 50, with most of them in their late 50’s. Don’t get me wrong, I love cowboys, but these men were no George Strait! Not even close. They did give us some good laughs though!

So we hoofed it over to a younger bar. It was packed but they were playing music we could dance too and we did. Most of us were having a great time. Liquor was being consumed, dancing and flirting was happening and laughter was ringing out. We even got Z out on the dance floor once or twice- she thinks she can’t dance but she can with some liquid courage under her belt. Z’s party was going along well!

It was around 1 o’clock in the morning when it happened. One female (#1) got pissed at another (#3) for supposedly leading on the only guy in the group. Words were tossed back and forth between some of the females- mostly #2 screaming at #3 and her friend #4. I wanted nothing to do with it. This shit is so fucking high school it isn’t funny. I was trying to get some of the group to leave. Then #1 decided she needed to throw some punches at #3. Luckily a few other men jumped in and prevented real damage from being done. I forced #1 and #2 and the other 7 of us out of the bar to head home.

WTH? This is Z’s birthday party and suddenly it’s a smack down? What gave you the right to 

wreck her birthday party? And excuse me, #1 and #2, you two want to act all uppity and judgmental- OH HELL NO! You two are the pot calling the kettle black. You have no room, I mean NOT AN INCH, to talk. You do the same thing as you’re accusing #3 of. Its okay for you to have extramarital affairs or be the woman on the side, but it’s wrong for someone else??? I don’t give a flying flip if you choose to do that but don’t go acting all high and mighty when someone you don’t know supposedly does the same shit as you. And don’t act like you were trying to protect the guy. He doesn’t need that kind of protection. He wasn’t under the assumptions you jumped to.  

And as for the guy involved, he wasn’t being led on in his own words. Liquor was flowing and flirting was happening. He and #3 were fine with what was happening. #1 your nose didn’t belong in it, you started the ball rolling because you weren’t the center of attention. Oh wait, that’s right…. That guy is your cash flow. You don’t want anyone to think you’re together- you’re very adamant in saying NO to anyone who asks, but the minute a woman shows interest you get bent out of shape. You can’t have it both ways #1. If you want him, act like it. Don’t just use him for his money. I wonder how much you had to do with his past relationships failing.

I am not friends with #1, #2 or #3 on Facebook or in life. I’d like to be friends with #3. She has a story and I’d like to be a friend to her. As for the other two… you both don’t like me because I see how it really is. Incidentally, #1 was involved in drama one other night we all went out last summer. #2 you didn’t like when I called you out that night. Yes you’re cordial to my face but I’m pretty confident you talk smack about someone you know very little about. I don’t know you well, but I know enough to say I don’t approve of what you do. And #1 you don’t like me at all even though after just meeting you last time (June 2012) I had your back and defended you. After this incident- not ever going to happen again.

What truly pissed me off was that the guy and #3 did all the apologizing. #1 and #2 didn’t get off their high horses at all. They are the ones who not only owe Z an apology for starting shit on, what up to that point, had been a damn good night, but they also owe apologies to #3 and the guy. I know it’s never going to happen though. And that angers me. Just because you were drinking doesn’t mean you have the right to ruin someone else’s celebration. Grow up and apologize. Act like adults and take responsibility for your screw ups and insecurities. It’ll get you further in life than constantly starting drama!

So #3 if you read this, hit me up with a friend request. I’d like to get to know you better and hopefully the next time I’m in Dallas go out again.

And Z, I hope you had a great night. You looked gorgeous all night! I am so glad I was there to celebrate your birthday!!! I love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

Demon bitch

I haven’t written lately. Well I have but not things I think I can post or should post. Another page admin mentioned on her page how she worries about what she posts and how it will be received. My first reaction was… “Who gives a fuck what anyone thinks.” And then I thought about the people in my life that I am protecting from my demons. Demons that don’t need to destroy any more lives- especially if I can prevent the demons from being known to them.

I am in a funk. It’s right here. I am up to my armpits in its stink. I can feel it- it’s cold and hard and bitter. I don’t like sharing this part of me. But I promised myself I’d be honest and upfront in this blog so here goes. I just pray that God protects the ones I love most from my demons.

When I woke up yesterday I felt pretty good. I had my to-do list that I was ready to tackle. I made it till just after noon before the funk came crawling in. I’m wearing a 30 day heart monitor. It’s been going off on its own. Most of the time it’s been because I moved wrong and the wires pulled. But yesterday it went off twice while I was mopping. Mopping!  The words the tech said to me were these “We’ll let the doctor know about this but it’s not something urgent.” All my other incidents I was told “it was the wire.”

Those words have me worried. And my worry has allowed the demon bitch to come closer than I’d like. I am a worrier. I know this and make a daily effort not to. I hide my anxiety and worry from my parents because Mom only adds to it and Daddy- well hell he has enough on his plate without me adding anything else.

All my life I’ve fought one health issue or another: chronic ear infections that caused tinnitus, endometriosis that ripped me up and took from me the chance to have a biological child, asthma that likes to pop up when all is well, allergies that took seafood out of my diet (yeah I’m still pissy about that one!), fibromyalgia which will never go completely away and NOW a heart issue that may not be fixed. For once, JUST ONCE, I wanted to hit the winning jackpot and have one health issue be completely resolved. But NO… just fucking can’t have that. It’s too much y’all… just too much to handle right now.

The worst part of all this is the not knowing what exactly is going on with my heart. I have all the worst case and best case scenarios running  through my head: pace maker or defibrillator needed, stroke, heart attack, permanent heart damage from having it beat too fast for much too long, just need more time to heal, body hasn’t adjusted yet to the new slower normal heart rate. I have played these out in my head over and over since yesterday afternoon. I have tried to ignore them, distract myself, etc. It’s not working.

I had a very vivid dream of Tony last night. He and I were playing a game and he was winning. He looked at me and said “Shit rolls downhill”. I can’t stop hearing that, thinking that, looking back and seeing that it has been rolling downhill for a long time. And that it’s hard as hell to not get overwhelmed and depressed about it all.

I am here in Denver to make my dad’s life easier and take care of mom. I am supposed to be able to keep up with all the house stuff and keep mom safe. I should be able to for pete's sake- I'm only 36 and it's not rocket science. But I’m not. There’s laundry that needs to be done, dusting that hasn’t been done in months, mopping of more floors that is desperately needed, bathrooms need to be cleaned- scrubbed, vacuuming needs to get done, a yard that needs to be raked and mowed, dog poop that needs to be “discovered” now that the snow is melting, trees that need to be trimmed and bulbs that need to be planted. And there is my own list of goals that needs to be addressed: a novel written, blogs written and posted, letters written, lawsuit papers filled out, purses and tote bags sewn, a blanket knitted and a box sent to my niece for her birthday in 9 days.

I am failing at it all right now; I am failing at living today. I should be grateful for a to-do list, for waking up every day, for being able to be out here to help. Instead I can’t see the forest, the trees, the flowers or the damn bear shitting in the woods. All I can see is the cave I desperately want to crawl into.

If I was still in WI I would crawl in to my cave. I’d turn off my phone, close the curtains in every room, order a pizza, grab some movies and not do a damn thing for two or three days. The dog and I would become one with my recliner, and the bed and I’d be okay- eventually. I’d allow myself to feel all this shit and then decide I’m stronger than my demons. Instead I keep tamping it down. I keep telling everyone I’m fine. I plaster a smile on my face and ignore how bad the cave is calling.

I don’t want to long for the cave, for the refuge it gives me for a short time. I don’t want to feel so overwhelmed that I can’t breathe. I don’t want to hear my demons in my head. I don’t want to have to think about how certain shit has been rolling downhill since I was a child. I don’t want to poison two people who I love so much with the truth of what my childhood really was. I don’t want to still fight those demons. I want them gone. I want them out of my head. I want to not feel guilt, shame, anger and desperation over things I couldn’t control. I want to not miss Tony so much. I want to not feel like my life ended the day his did. I want to celebrate his life and not see his death when the demon bitch comes too close to me. I want with all my heart to forget all the bad shit that has happened in the last five and a half years and remember only the good.

I do. I truly do. And most days I can. It’s the days like today that I remember it all. I remember the anguish, the betrayal, the guilt- every bad feeling I’ve ever had. I see every bad choice, every wrong turn. I can’t stop the bad from replaying over and over in my head. I don’t want to eat, I’m not really hungry but I end up eating stuff I shouldn’t and then I get down on myself for my weight. I pull away from friends. I am tired and all I want to do is sleep. I taste the sadness, the fear, the failure.

I know in a day or two this will pass. And I guess that’s an improvement. I can finally realize its coming and try to handle it better. These bad days are coming less often now. The intensity is still as high as it ever was and maybe it always will be. I don’t know.

All I can do is use the tools I’ve been given by therapists, friends and God, to get through this. I know I can and will. Tonight as I lay down I’ll recite Our Father and ask for the help I need to beat the demon bitch back once again. Tomorrow is a new day… and maybe tomorrow I’ll see the bear and offer him some toilet paper so he can go on with his day and I can smell the flowers. 

~The Composer