Buzz! Buzzzz! BUZZ!

The first time it happened to me I didn’t know what was it was. I felt a twinge in my right neck, not a cramp but more of a zing of the nerves. And then a chill followed. I thought I had twisted my neck wrong. But then it happened again about three minutes later, and I hadn’t turned my head at all. In fact I was thinking I should grab a muscle relaxer. It kept happening on and off for thirty minutes. I started to worry and wonder what was wrong with my neck.

CRASH!

I ran in to my spare room and the picture of Tony and I was lying on the floor. It had fallen from the bookshelf, without knocking the angel that stood in front of it off the shelf. I was just staring at it when I felt the twinge and chill again.

“WHAT THE HELL!” I exclaimed causing my dogs to come in to the room and look at me. I picked the picture up and put it back. I shook my head a couple of times and went to the kitchen for an ice pack.

CRASH!

“You gotta be fucking kidding me!” I said aloud. Back in to the spare room I went with my two pups following behind. The picture was on the floor again. As I picked it up, the twinge and chill happened again. I was starting to get a feeling someone was trying to get my attention.

“Alright Tony, what’s up?” Of course no answer seeing Tony’s in heaven.

“Seriously you ass, stop knocking the picture down. And if that’s you causing my neck to twinge, QUIT IT!” (A week in to living in my own house, about 3 months after Tony died, he figured out how to make stuff fall off my shrine to him. So this incident wasn’t the first time he’d caused the picture to fall.)

I honestly thought I was losing my mind. I took a couple deep breaths and nothing happened. So I went outside with the dogs and noticed a green headed mallard waddling in my neighbor’s yard. I stared at it for a long time. It quacked and I said (I’m not kidding here) “Tony….?”

“Quack, Quack”

I cried standing out there in my driveway. If any of my neighbors saw or heard me, I don’t know. But if they did I’m sure they thought I’d lost my ever-loving mind. I knew it was Tony letting me know he was around.

I get that twinge and chill- I’ve started referring to it as getting “buzzed”- every time something important is about to happen, or if I need to pay attention to the sign he’s sending me, or if he just wants to annoy me.

I get buzzed when I’m in my own head too much. If I ignore it, Tony increases it and will cause a kink to happen in my neck. I’ve learnt not to ignore it. LOL That kink hurts! He can be really persistent!

I got buzzed when my sump pump quit working. I've gotten buzzed out of my sleep when Petey was starting to get ill. I got buzzed for 30 minutes before we got the call that my aunt passed away. I got buzzed the day before my Trixie went over the Rainbow Bridge. I was driving to see an old friend one day when I got buzzed so hard I pulled over. When I got going again I came upon a bad auto accident.

I kept getting buzzed back in WI last spring in regards to an old friend. It was weird… she’d dream about a mutual friend of ours that passed away and I’d get buzzed (that friend’s buzz was different from Tony’s) until we connected on the phone or Facebook. It usually was that she needed me to come help her due to a back problem she was having. Once her back got fixed, the buzzing from him completely stopped.

Sometimes I can’t figure out exactly why Tony buzzes me. Those are the times that I think he’s doing it just to get back at me for being a pain in the ass little sister. But no matter what, when it happens I take a minute or two to really look at what’s going on around me.

Tonight I got buzzed as I was about to log off Facebook. I took a breath and went back to my main page. That’s when I got a video from my favorite silly monkey (his mom posted it for me). I watched the video and cried a bit. As I was about to log off again, the buzz came. This time I went back to my page and saw a post from my sister. Tony was making sure that I saw what she posted so I could send her love, support and remind her that he watches over her too.

I messaged her a bit and then logged off and shut down my laptop. I went in to the kitchen to grab a bottle of water and it happened again but I was trying to ignore it as I talked with my dad about missing my silly monkey and needing a good cry. I was back in my room when the next one came, this time a bit stronger. I looked at my laptop and said aloud, “You want me to share this don’t you?” BUZZ!

I was feeling very lonely and sad just before the buzzing started tonight. Now as I finish this post, I feel connected and a smile is on my face. Some people will never accept what happens to me and that’s okay. I know what I’ve experienced and I know a few others who’ve had similar experiences. I’ve always been open to this type of thing. I wish Tony would come to me in my dreams, but he doesn’t. I’ve only seen him in my nightmares. I think he knows that for me the dreams would be too vivid, too real. He sends me songs and buzzes me. That’s the way he connects with me, to show me I’m never alone and for that I will forever be grateful.

~The Composer