An open letter to you

Hey you! Yeah you, the one reading this. The one that thinks no one can possibly understand how you feel…. This letter is for YOU!

I've been where you are. I've been the one lying awake at night feeling alone, overwhelmed and lost. I want to tell you that you're not alone. I want to share my story with you. 

In the fall of 1995 I was a freshman in college down in Texas. I was living in the dorms and was having a very hard time making friends. Yeah, me, Miss Never-met-a-stranger, I didn't know where to start. I was a girl so lost that no one noticed. I would plaster a smile on my face every day, but when I was alone in my dorm room I’d cry. I missed my family, I missed my friends.  My dad was only 30 minutes away, but my mom was back in Wisconsin taking care of Tony. I had moved to a new state and was starting college with NO friends on campus. I had met a few guys while working the summer at Wal-Mart but they weren't going to be on campus with me. My roommate and I were from opposite ends of the spectrum and we just didn't gel like I had hoped we would. My suite mates were nice and did include me but we didn't grow close.

One night after breaking up with a guy I had worked at Wal-Mart with I sat down and wrote my good-bye letters- one to my brother, one to my mom and the last one to my dad. That’s the one that stopped me cold. I sat there bawling because I didn't know how to say good-bye to the man that was my hero.  I decided I didn't want to kill myself, that I couldn't hurt my dad that way. I put the bottle of pills back in the medicine cabinet and went to bed. When my roommate got home that night she found the letters where I’d left them, on the side of the sink. She didn't wake me, she did what she should have- she went and got our floor resident. She didn't know that I hadn't taken the pills. She didn't know that I’d already decided not to commit suicide. But she did know that I needed help. Our floor resident woke me up and we talked for most of the night. And the next day I had an appointment with one of the college psychologists. My parents were never told of this because I was over 18. I wish I’d been strong enough then to tell them. They still don’t know.

That was my first round with depression. I learnt to journal and made a box of treasures that I could look at when I needed a boost. The psychologist didn't feel meds were necessary at the time. I don’t think I needed them back then either. I just needed someone to talk to about how I felt. I talked to the psychologist. One night while sitting outside smoking I met Jen. She and I drank a lot together and went out. We talked a lot too. I got through it because I found out I wasn't alone in feeling that I had no friends. By making that one friend, I found my way through that tough time.

My second round didn't happen when I thought it would. I’d made it through my divorce like a champ. I made it through a broken heart. But a few weeks before the 1 year anniversary of Tony’s death, that’s when the second round hit me square in the chest. I knew I was depressed but I didn't tell anyone else. I’d forgotten how to be honest with others. I thought I could handle my grief and depression on my own. But I didn't handle it. I ran from it. I kept saying I was fine when inside I felt like I was drowning.

When I finally got help from a doctor almost 6 months later, my world started coming back in to focus. . I was prescribed a low dose anti-depressant. It helped. It still took me three years to honestly deal with Tony’s death and my grief over losing him. I will never be over that loss, I've accepted that. 

I now take meds every day for my depression. I will for the rest of my life. I have tried living without the pill, and I failed. I fell back in to my hole; I turned my house in to my cave. Now I’m out here in Colorado and I take my pills every day. If I don’t I get so overwhelmed I can’t function. I have people I know I can call any time, day or night, that will listen to me and help me get out of my own head. I haven’t thought about suicide since college. But the sadness from missing Tony can still get to me. I am just better equipped to handle it now. I had to learn from others- doctors, therapists, friends and family- how to deal with it.

So yeah I've been where you are. I know how you feel. You’re not sure where you’re headed. You don’t know why you even bother to get out of bed some days. You feel like you’re drowning in your own sorrow. You feel worthless, that what you do or say doesn't matter. You wonder if you’d even be missed. Let me reassure you that you indeed would be missed. You may think you don’t need the help medication can provide. And maybe you don’t, but you won’t know till you talk to a professional. Depression isn't just going to go away magically. It is a disease that needs to be addressed so you can get better. 

There is no shame in admitting you need help. You can’t do this by yourself. I’m here! I don’t want you to suffer this in silence. I will listen, I will not judge. I will offer support and unconditional love. Please reach out so that you can be helped. You are never alone!

You are loved!

~The Composer

A letter to my 19 year old self

My dearest Amy,

It's me, the 36 year old version. You have many plans laid out for yourself. Those plans are going to change. BIG TIME. You are going to lose things that matter so much to you. But you will survive it all. I can promise you that.

You will get married in 2000. Divorce in 2003. You married to be married. The love you and he had, it wasn't the lasting kind. Both of you made mistakes in those three years, but don't stress over it. You need to make those mistakes so that you can grow, so that you can see what real love is. You'll be okay.

You're in college right now. Enjoy it. It will go by much too fast. However, stop drinking and driving. No, you get lucky and never have an accident. But it's still not smart. When you turn 21 you'll be over the drinking thing. Don't go to the frat parties. And don't date the waiter from Fridays- he has a drug problem that you don't need in your life. Do go to the Army –Navy game, you’ll have a blast. And forget about the tech writing class- you suck at it and will fail. Just skip it and save dad the money.

STOP having casual sex. You're going to regret it. You're young now and think it's no big deal. But it is. You lose sight of how important you are. You stoop to a level that you shouldn't. Experimentation is not the issue. Kiss a girl, sleep with a girl- it won't hurt you in the long run. You haven't a clue as to what real love is yet. You throw "I love you" around like candy, save it for the right one. The idiots you "date" in college aren't the lasting kind. You miss out on a great guy because you're too cocky for your own good. It's a mistake you will learn from.

Two days after your divorce is final, a call will come from St. Luke's hospital. You will rush back to WI to be with Tony. It's going to be hard to see him. It's going to feel like your heart is ripped in two. He'll make it through that one, but he won't live to see you get married again. Treasure the months you live together in 2004. He needs you to get to know him. He needs you to help him see that he is a "Lucky Man".

The first man you date after your divorce, he's not true love. You'll know it all along but you'll try to make it work anyway. It's a bad relationship to be in. He's too in love with his alcohol and not enough with you. You will love him, just not enough to settle for the spending the rest of your life sitting on a bar stool next to him. You deserve much more than he can offer. He is a mistake you have to make. He will bring a wonderful woman in to your life- she's still one of your BFF'S!

You'll work for a great company in Waukesha. You will learn valuable business lessons from the owner. You'll laugh and grow into a kick ass woman. You'll meet a guy who looks good on paper. You'll move up north to Green Bay for him. I wish you wouldn't.

When you move, it will be for love- bad love, one that will scar you for life. You should stay near Tony. You will regret not being near him. The man you moved for, he'll turn out to be the biggest asshole in your life. He will degrade you; he will wound your soul. It will take a few years to heal from the hurt he hands you. This is one decision I wish I could prevent you from making. It ends so badly. You get hurt so deeply that I still cry from the pain. But you will do it, no matter how messed up it ends.

In March of 2007 Tony will ask you to move him up to Green Bay to be near you. You will deny the reason for the move until May. Then you will finally see that Christmas Dec of 2006 he's known what lies ahead. When you finally see it, don't run to the asshole. Run to Tony; let him help you because it will help him too. He never wants to hurt you, but in August of 2007 his death will tear you apart and forever change the course of your life.

Yes, you read that right. The one person who's always been there for you will leave you. He will die with dignity after fighting cancer for 12 years. Our heart is going to be broken- a piece of it will forever be missing because it goes with Tony to Heaven. Reach out to your family in Neenah. They want to help you. They love you. Don't act like everything is okay. Get out of your own head and get help. But I know you, I know me, and we just can't admit when we're lost.

After Tony dies, the asshole's true colors will become crystal clear to you. You will find a new life in a small house in Neenah. It will be your saving grace and your cave for five years. It will strengthen you as an independent woman, but it will also show you that you cannot beat your depression on your own. In the end, you'll lose that little house thanks to an economy that goes to shit. But the memories and two best friends you make living there will start to heal your heart and soul.

AND don't answer the call from the asshole. You'll regret it. He'll say things to you that degrade you again. It's not worth it. He's not worth your time. Do not believe him when he tells you that loving him is your greatest reward. It is not. He is a selfish human being and he dragged you down for two years. Don't answer the call and don't go to see him. You don't deserve to be treated as a toy.

Tony's death will forever change you; some for the better, some for the worse. Treasure all the time you have with him. Don't feel bad about the fights, you both are stubborn. But don't pass on the time you could be with him, the asshole will guilt trip you, but Tony's not going to be around forever. Tony's going to be scared and he's going to need you to help him get ready to go. And when he tells you thank you…. You'll never stop hearing that in your head.

My dear Amy, you are naïve and young and dumb. You lead with your heart on your sleeve. You will be taken advantage of. You will be hurt may times. You will wonder why you even bother at times. Your heart will be broken more from losing Tony, then from losing your greatest love. Yes, there will be one love that you have that will top all others. He will come to you when he needs saving. Let it happen and let it end. It's meant to be that way.

Tony and you have a bond that death will not break. He will send you the life line you so desperately need in the form of a neighbor who becomes a best friend. Your aunt will become your confidant and she’ll let you live with her.  And a woman you have known all your life will become more than a cousin; she’ll end up being the sister you never had. Look for the signs he will send you. He will always have your back.

I wish I could prevent the hurt you're going to have, but then you'd miss out on some great adventures. IBM will be a crappy job but you'll start a lifelong friendship there- a true BFF. Enjoy the Big & Rich concert in Madison in 2005. Don't cut all your hair off in 2009, I'm still trying to grow it out- patience is not our virtue.  Rock out to Montgomery Gentry every chance you get, you'll understand after Tony's gone. Enjoy Vegas, grab Elvis' ass- you won't regret that. Say yes to going out with friends- hit the lake with them. Don't be shy about asking for Troy Gentry's autograph in 2003.  Enjoy getting to know your aunts and cousins better. Learn to make an old-fashioned, don't keep letting the other bartenders do it. Country USA! GO and ENJOY and FLASH - those are great memories. Two tattoos will adorn your skin in 2009- they ROCK! Kiss and cuddle with Petey, Trixie and LONDON (three dogs you will leave your marriage with), for they are gone much too soon. DANCE- it's good for you. And in the name of all the is holy, don't eat that first Mint Truffle Hershey's Kiss- they only make our ass much too big and Trixie will eat an entire bag on you in Dec 2010 while you are at the neighbors. We are still not over that incident! LOL

Amy, you're going to be okay. It's not going to be the way you have laid out in your head right now. But that's okay. It's a path only you can walk. Don't lose your faith in God, because he never loses his faith in you. Cry when you need to. Scream when you have to. Fight for what you believe in. And don’t ever doubt that you are loved by your family and friends.

I've left out quite a bit- some good, some bad, some GREAT. This life we live isn't perfect, but it’s ours. Be proud of yourself, because I am.

Much love and devotion,

The older and wiser YOU!

Letter to an ER doctor

To whom it DOES Concern,

I was in your ER department on Friday. I was in pain again. This was my 2nd visit to your ER. I will not go back to your ER because you do not get what I am going through. You do not care!

I am in pain. Yes I have fibromyalgia. Yes I am in pain almost 24/7. But I know when it is a new pain. I know my body much better than you ever will. This pain is not my "normal" and it is not chronic. It came on suddenly and will not let up. My primary doctor sent me to you because they don't have the equipment to run the tests that you can.

When you first walked in to my room, I thought you may be different. By the end of the examination, I knew you weren't. I showed you where the pain is and I told you how it radiates. You poked me and I winced. You got so close to the area that I thought you were going to lick my breast. I was mortified by this alone.

I am a woman. I have very large breasts. No one has to tell me this. You were not gentle. You were not respectful.  You took my left breast in your hands and squashed it and then asked if it hurt. NO SHIT SHERLOCK, it hurt. Your version of a mammogram was painful to my body and to my dignity. However, that is not where the pain is. It is under my ribs. I apparently cannot put it in to the proper words to describe it to you.

What I should have done was to get up and walk out right then. Instead I listened to you all but called me a liar when I told you that my two incidents of Shingles were on opposite sides of my body. Yes I know this is very odd. But two doctors in WI cannot be wrong. I know Shingles pain… this isn't it.

You decided after poking my stomach in only two spots to send me down for a CT scan. Though you said numerous times, "It's nothing. Nothing is going to show up. I know it. This isn't your stomach." I know it's not my stomach. It's something under my ribs. I don't have the degree… you do.  You told me that you'd give me something for the nausea and for the pain. That was at around 3. I was taken down for the CT and came back. No meds were given to me at all.

At 5:55 the nurse came in and told me I was being discharged. You hadn't come back in and she had no answers for me. I asked why I hadn't been given the pain meds that you said I'd get. The nurse pulled the IV out and asked if I'd asked for anything. I was crying while You, Mr. DR, examined me. You said you'd give me something. Instead I sat there in that room with pain stabbing through my chest. I was scared and you did nothing for me. The old man in the room next to me got pain meds moments after you said he'd have them.

Finally, you came in and told me "as I thought, there's nothing there. It’s on your skin. You need to ask your PCP for Trazadone for your chronic pain."  To which I replied "I’m already ON IT!" More proof that you didn't look any further at my records.

And then I just shut my mouth because once again I knew no one believed me. Hell I don't even think my own parents believe there's anything wrong with me. Thanks for reinforcing that in their minds. 

Once again I was made to feel like my pain is not real. Believe me if I wasn't in pain my BP wouldn't be high. My chest wouldn't hurt like someone is taking an ice pick and shoving it in to me. I wouldn't get sharp blinding headaches when I lay down. I wouldn't feel like I've run a marathon after walking to the bathroom in the middle of the night.

I didn't fill the prescription for the pain meds you gave me or the Lidocaine patches, nor the nausea meds. One- I'm allergic to VICODIN. I told you that but you still wrote it out for Percocet at the same level as the Vicodin that I'm allergic to.  As for the Lidocaine, it's not going to help. This pain isn't on my skin. You said there's a rash under my breast… that's called heat rash from sweating so much because of the pain. The same "rash" was under my other breast and it didn't hurt when you touched it. More proof that you weren't thinking it through. And I'm already on the same nausea med you wrote it out for.

The nurse didn't like that I got upset that I wasn't being listened to. Her answer was "it's not life threatening" and that's all the ER is for. Believe me, I know that. You're also there to make sure that the patient feels better upon leaving. I didn't. I felt worse.

You failed me. You failed seeing me as a patient. You saw me as a pain pill popper, as someone who is in your ER for attention. If you had asked a few more questions you would have learnt I don't like pain pills. I don't want to be on them. I want an answer as to why I have pain in the left side of my chest that radiates in to my left arm and into my left jaw at times. Instead I left your ER humiliated because once again I'm left in pain with no answers as to why this pain is happening. As to why my pulse rate goes up while I'm sitting still. My pulse shouldn't be 120 while sitting still. My pulse shouldn't jump up to 145 while I'm working on my laptop and my BP sure as hell shouldn't hit 176/118 for no fucking reason.

Once again, I'm left with telling everyone "I'm fine" when that's just a lie. I want to scream and cry over how much I hurt. I want to curl up and die from the pain. But I'll put a smile on and act like there's nothing wrong. Fighting doctors like you and all the others who think this is in my head is more distressing than I can handle right now. I need to save my energy for faking it, which means there is nothing left to fight people who don’t believe me.

Thanks for nothing….

Put down the cell phone and I won't hurt YOU!

I am not perfect. I used to be the woman on the phone in the minivan in front of you.

Then I WOKE UP!

If you are leaning on your door to be comfortable while you talk, you shouldn't be driving! When you can't stay in your own lane and almost cause two accidents in less than a quarter mile stretch but you don't notice, you need to get OFF the phone.  If you just have to have that conversation, pull over. If you just can't be in the car without hearing your own voice, sing along to the radio. 

For all that is sacred, my sanity and your own safety- because I am not a "polite" honker, I will honk till you figure out that I am pissed at you for not paying attention- don't drive and talk on your cell phone! Don't text and drive. Don't check out what your friends on FB are doing and drive. Don't look at your phone GPS and drive. For fart's sake pay attention to the machine you are driving, it can kill others or you! OSHA doesn't let crane operators lift steel beams and text at the same time because IT IS UNSAFE. And it's unsafe for you to be gabbing away with Betty about who gives the better blow out when you NEED to be paying attention to the road. 

I recently got rid of my smartphone and went back to a "basic" phone. It has a QWERTY keyboard and that's all I need. I used to be on my smartphone all the time, I had people ask me what was "wrong" when I didn't have it in my hand or glued to my ear.  I was on it while eating (at home or in public), driving, walking, lying in bed, and even while talking to people in the same room with me. I missed too much. I missed my mom telling me she was hungry or that she didn't understand what was on TV. I even missed her telling me she loved me.

How f'ed up is that? I missed her telling me what she needed me to HEAR! I wasn't giving her the attention she deserved. I wasn't giving anyone what they deserved, even myself.

I live in one of the most beautiful states in the country. I have stunning views every day, everywhere I look. I notice them now. I have seen some of the most amazing birds now that I'm not attached to my smartphone. I don't need to see them online; I sit outside on our front porch or back and see them for myself. I can hear them sing to me while I soak up Vitamin D. I was missing so much of this before.

I am giving myself the attention I deserve. I've started reading voraciously again. I have started to cross-stitch. I am able to once again HEAR my mom. I have conversations with my dad about the news. We are able to laugh about the one-liner Sheldon just delivered on The Big Bang Theory now that I'm not glued to my smart phone.

My world did not stop because I don't know checked in where. I can go 24 to 48 hours without turning on my laptop. I don't have to spend hours liking every single status that every other person on FB has. I can pick up the phone and actually speak with the people that matter to me. I can send them a text, when I'm not driving. I am much more present in life than I used to be.

When I'm driving, I don't text. I still slip and make a call that is not necessary. However, after seeing how the woman in the minivan didn't even notice what she did this morning, I won't be. My phone will be in my purse, behind my seat. My eyes will be on the road, my mind paying attention to where I'm going, my crappy voice singing along to the radio and my hand hovering over the horn to save my life as well as yours if you pay more attention to the phone then to the machine you are operating!

Worry

As some of you know, I've been experiencing some heart issues lately. My pulse is racing often and my diastolic number is hovering at 109 much too often. I will be starting 24hours of monitoring tomorrow at 11 am. I have faith that this will show the good doctors where the issue is and they will be able to fix it. I will not settle for "oh it's normal."

As some of you may also know, I live with my parents. They are both in their late 60's and my mother has dementia. I am living with them so that I can be mom's daytime caregiver. I am happy to help them out as I know they won't be around forever and this is a blessing.

Tonight as we were all getting ready to go to bed, my mom's necklace had its usual issue. The damn chain is paper thin and when you let go of one end by accident the end consistently will end up getting caught in the back of the heart pendant. Now when this happens to me, I have learnt to use gravity to get it to come undone. When this happens to Dad, he apparently gets the pliers out. I heard him tell mom he'd get the pliers and fix it so I came out of my room. I thought it was no big deal and I could spare him the hassle and would help him. Not tonight.

Y'all… my daddy yelled at me. This is not normal for him. Especially at me. I can count on my two hands the number of times over my 36 years he has gone above just talking to me. I was taken aback at him hollering at me, over the necklace. I kept my cool and calmly told him there was no need for yelling, it was just a necklace. He gave me the necklace roughly and I had it unstuck in seconds. But he didn't calm down right away. He was still upset when he went to bed.

It got me to thinking. My dad doesn't over react like that unless he's worried. And he is. He won't talk to me about what he's feeling. He never has been one to really share what he feels with me. Now don't get me wrong, I have no doubt how much my Daddy loves me. He tells me at least twice a day and he makes sure that I know it. And he's gotten really good about showing me his appreciation about what I'm doing here.

But talking with me about how he feels right now with my heart issue, that's not going to happen. I know now just how worried he is. And I hate that I'm the cause of that worry. I would do anything to take that worry away. I don't like to upset my daddy, never have.

When I got beat up by my brother's best friend back in 1995, I had to call my dad and tell him what happened. It was the day before his birthday and I had to tell him that Dumbass had thrown me in to a wall and had gone to jail for it. I was crying after I said "Daddy… I got hurt last night…"

When I came home with my tail between my legs because I was ashamed of failing at marriage, it hurt to look at my dad. What I didn't realize was that he wasn't hurt that I was getting divorced; he was hurt that I was hurting.

The relationship I have with my dad… it's better than most kids will ever have. He's not just my Dad, he's my friend. He's the one man I know will always have my back. He used to be one of two, but with Tony gone, he's gotten to be the only one.

Right now, he's worried about me. I'm worried about me. I know that no matter what, we'll handle whatever it is together. I just pray for both our sakes that we get answers sooner than later.

And since I know my dad reads my blog… this message is for him:

Daddy,

I'm sorry I upset you tonight. I know you didn't mean to holler at me. But its okay, I understand. You're just as worried about me as I am about you.

Thank you for loving me so much. Thank you for driving me to the doctor's appointments, to the grocery store, to my art class. I know you don't want me to get in a car accident if my heart does one of its races. I appreciate how concerned you are.

I am going to be okay Daddy. I have to be. Tony knows that you and mom need me. He's taking care of me. And he won't let anything bad happen to me. He's got us covered Daddy.

Just know this Daddy; I am the luckiest daughter ever. I got the grand prize when God gave me you.

I love you very much!

Princess Plumber

And to you Dreamers, thank you for the continued prayers, support and good thoughts and mojo you're sending. I feel it all and am truly blessed to have you.

~ The Composer