There have been a lot, like a metric ass load aka shit ton, of changes in my life in the last 7 months of 2016. I'm not even sure where to really begin. I'll attempt to keep it chronological, that is until my fibro fog kicks in and I jump all over the place.
April 2016- My dad tells me its time for him to come home to WI. I am stoked to hear this and W and I find a duplex that we can rent both sides of. We will all move in Jun 1st.
May 2016- I fly out to Denver to help dad pack before he and I fly to Germany for my amazing niece's wedding. The wedding was gorgeous, the food scrumptious and the visit with family nice. I adore my niece's husband- they make a great pair! She made a stunning bride, still makes me cry when I look at the pictures. Where or where did the time go? I am beyond proud of her for all her accomplishments and in awe of the woman she has become.
While I was out of the country and then moving dad home to WI, W was busy moving us into our side of the duplex. He had finished school for the semester and then together we decided he would stop going to school and start working full time. When I got back to WI on June 4th he'd already had a great job for a week.
Two days later our boy arrived from Texas. It was so good to have him with us. I had been missing him a lot. Thanks to the move, we didn't have the money to go do all the things we had planned but we did go fishing (I'm the only one who caught something) and with W working different shifts every week, our boy and I had time to talk. He's got a brilliant mind, a sarcastic mouth and great comedic timing. He will always be my dork, my son.
At the end of June,W's mom was diagnosed with cancer. This hit my guys hard and I did my best to be there for them. Mid July our boy flew back to Texas. While he was with us those last few weeks, I had a panic attack at the fireworks. Full blown freak out, running away from the fireworks and my family. My dad had to tell W to follow me. Then a week later I was in public restroom at a park and the lights went off. I found out later it was because I hadn't moved enough. I freaked out. I texted both W and our boy and they thought I was joking. No matter what I said they told me it was hilarious to them. Finally a woman came in and the light came on. I got out of there quickly while sobbing. When I found the guys, I told each of the they were assholes and told W to get me home. W was pissed. I was having a full on meltdown and he was pissed because I called them assholes for not helping me. When we got home W went inside first and the dogs took to barking. He kicked the crate that held the two little dogs excessively hard and I slapped him on the arm hard. I told him to never kick my dogs crate again. He screamed at me to never lay a hand on him again and stormed off to the basement. I went into my bedroom while our boy let the 3 dogs out. Our boy came and apologized for not understanding, I accepted his apology. I took my anxiety med and laid down with the dogs as I bawled. About an hour later W came up and asked if I had anything to say to him. I told him I was't apologizing and he stormed off. I got up and followed him and read him the riot act. We'd never fought like this fight, I lost my shit finally. We screamed at each other for an hour. In that hour somehow he had me apologizing for calling him an asshole and for not understanding his anger was at himself for failing me. He flipped it all back on me. I still can't believe I let that happen.
After our boy left, everything between W and I wasn't right. I didn't know it then, but he was resenting me for having fibro, for making him quit school and for making him take a job he didn't want. He wasn't talking to me about it, and the resentment was building up in him causing him to become very short tempered. I didn't know I was the cause, I just knew something was bothering him and I assumed it was the news about his mom. At the beginning of August W and I drove down to Texas and spent a month there to be with his mom and dad. Momma was doing better than we'd expected and it gave us hope that she'd beat the cancer. Now while we were there we rented a camper. Put two adults and 3 dogs in a camper in the heat of August and W's patience was thin and his temper boiling just under the surface all the time, and you have the makings of a crime scene.
I had never spent much time with W's dad, this visit was an eye opener. The two of them are a lot alike. Momma and I got to have one on one time and just talk. I learnt a lot from her in those 4 weeks. She opened my eyes to things and saved me.
What did I need saving from? W.
His temper was flaring more and more, I never knew what would set him off. I fell off his aunt's deck and tore the ligaments on the side of my left foot. I told him it was hurting more than I thought it should two days after my fall and that I wanted him to take me to the Urgent Care clinic. He told me there was nothing wrong and that I'd just have to give it a few days. I hobbled away from him in tears. As I got ready to take my nap he came into the bedroom and brought the dogs with- Stella, a 73 lb rottweiler, Trinity, a 13 lb chihuahua wiener dog mix, last but not least Dave, a 5 lb toy fox terrier. The 3 of them napped with me every day. Dave walked across my ankle and I howled in pain, much to W's dismay. That's when he actually looked at my foot and deemed it necessary to see a doctor. I didn't realize it then, but W needed to be in control of the decision. He told the nurse and the doctor I hadn't wanted to come in but he thought it was best. I was in so much pain, I didn't even try to insert the truth.
When we left the clinic I was in a walking boot and on crutches. When we got back to the camper, he got mad at me for trying to do things on my own which had me in tears again. Every day I was trying to do anything I could so that he'd stop snipping at me. Ten days later, back to the doctor for a recheck and I was ordered to keep the boot on and stay off it. I ended up wearing it till the middle of September, stupid torn ligament, because the stay off of it is hard as hell when you're trying to keep the peace.
There was one night in the camper that I was ready to leave at the camper and go to my bff's home just an hour away. W's anger at everything was starting to overwhelm me and drove my anxiety up higher than normal. I kept trying to make things right, taking on more of the dog duties, making sure he got time alone with his mom and his dad. I finally asked to go for a car ride so we could talk without anyone interrupting us. Only I didn't bring up the way my anxiety was up, I brought up how I noticed he seemed to be angry every day and asked what was going on. I asked if he needed to talk about his mom. He said that wasn't it. I talked with him about what I was seeing and that his anger was be coming a real issue for me. I was even bold enough to speak about the warning his mom gave me. He seemed to accept my opinion and promised he'd do better. He did try and it was better for our last two weeks in Texas.
By the time we got home the weekend after Labor Day, things were turning south again. Stella got lose a few times, and ran from W every time he got close to her. He was a bundle of anger and she feared W. When he caught her he'd be so furious he'd tell me to get rid of her. Now when she'd get lose on me, I'd call out that we were going to the dog park and she'd make a beeline for the open van door. Yes it was frustrating for me, however losing my temper didn't help. I did all I could to train her to come to me when I called. Stella was supposed to be his dog and he'd made promises to train her, which never happened. I didn't see that she'd always feared him until after.
Thanks to downtime at his job, he was laid off for 3 weeks at the end of September and into October. He spent most of his waking hours playing video games downstairs. If he was up by me it was tense at best. I couldn't say anything right, the dogs couldn't play with each other when he was in the same room. We made a list of things to get done while he was off, nothing overwhelming, just some honey do's. He accomplished a lot of them and I thanked him profusely. His response was to go back downstairs to his video games. I spent my days walking on egg shells, my dad told me he feared for my safety 24 hours a day because he didn't like how W was acting towards me. When I brought my fear up to him, he said "Why does everyone say that? I've never hit a woman." I pointed out he'd punched walls before and that I didn't want to live in fear of him. He told me he kicked a wall and that there was no reason to fear him. I was crying because he wasn't getting it and that made him storm back down to the basement. He told me the next day he didn't see what I was talking about but he'd try not to take it out on me.
On October 17th W went back to work. That same day I had lunch with Scar. I was honest with her and told her what my new therapist had said. She was able to finally tell me all the things she'd been seeing and feeling. Come to find out she was worried about W's temper towards me also. That lunch was the push I needed to stand up for myself. The next morning when W came home from working third shift, I told him we needed to talk. He asked if it was good or bad. I said "Bad."
I told him I no longer could live in fear and that we were through. I told him I'd move in with my dad while he lived on our side. "Is there a chance to win you back?"
"Not at this time," tears streaming down my face.
"I'll leave today. I can't live next door to you and not have a chance of being with you." tears streaming down his face.
Less than 2 hours after he got home from work he had the van packed and he was leaving. I cried a lot that Tuesday. I never expected him to leave so quickly. He had told me he was sorry he'd failed me and that I'd always be the one that got away.
We didn't talk for a few days other than for him to say he was safe at his destination. A week or so later, we were texting and calling each other. He finally admitted that he resented me for no being able to pick up his slack. He said he didn't know who he was and that he needed time away from everyone so he could find himself. When he told me he resented me for making him quit school and my health conditions, I lost it. I wrote him a long text telling he could "own his choices all he wanted." and that "you knew about my health before we got back together. You told me you'd take care of me." And I unloaded my anger at him for abusing me emotionally and mentally. His response, "I own that I said those things. I own that I made my choices. I'm sorry I made you a part of it. I'm glad you're able to express your feelings and anger, you need to talk to your therapist about everything and how you need to own it and your choices."
Y'all that was the last straw. I had thought maybe in a year we could try again, but not after that. He turned it all back on me. In another text he turned my illness back on me as if I one day simply chose to live in chronic pain, need a pacemaker, have anxiety issues and depression. I saw in those responses that he would never accept my illness was real and that I would never be the girl he keeps on a pedestal, the "one that got away."
Now if we text, it's about a bill. And as soon as that contract is up our ties will be permanently cut. I will stay in contact with Momma and our boy, and a few other family members that want to stay connected.
I've cried over him, over the dream of us, over the pain he caused when he left so quickly leaving me with bills but no money. I've hated him for leaving so much crap behind that I have to take care of. Well his crap is going down in the basement for now. I don't have the energy or time to deal with it all right now. I grieved over losing my twin flame, however I know that twin flames don't always stay together. In our case, I am better off with him out of my life. I have accepted that we had some great times and many laughs but the don't outweigh the problems.
Now that it is 2017, I'm leaving it and him behind because I have much more important things to concentrate on....
1. I start online classes for my Master's Degree in Liberal Arts on January 9th.... through John Hopkins. Yeah that John Hopkins. I'm smarter than I give myself credit for.
2. I've become a thirty-one independent consultant. I'm addicted to their stuff so I decided I'd try selling it. I've not done well these first three months, but am refocusing on it to see if I can make a go of it.
3. My Dad needs me more now that he's been diagnosed with glaucoma and cataracts. I am having to drive him 90% of the places he goes. While I'm glad to do it, I've still got extreme anxiety over driving and will not drive after dark if I can prevent it in any way possible. I am learning to hide my anxiety from him better. It's the "fake it to make it" mindset. Whenever we get back home, I usually go straight to bed and shake for awhile as Dave and Trinity snuggle me.
4. I have a home to make. W's decorating style was not mine and I can finally set my house up as I want it. Butterfly decor where ever I want it, a retro bathroom thanks to the avocado green tiles that were put in there in the 80's, a kitchen decorated with teapots, a relaxing beautiful bedroom and an office that will inspire me to kick ass. I'm taking back my house and making it MY home.
5. Refocusing on personal relationships. I've set a goal to call two friends a week. Texting is for quick conversations. Getting together for coffee or game night at my house once a month is on the goal list.
And last but not least, I'm going to blog twice a month and post at least two times a week on my Facebook page. The name is currently, "Living the Dream I always wanted." After Jan 8th, it will be "Coffee, Butterflies & Me".
Slowly I'm becoming the woman I know is inside me. I accept that I'll still have shit-tastic days where getting out of bed is a challenge. I may not hit all my goals in the first three months of this year thanks to getting back in the swing of being a student, and that's okay. I'm done feeling guilty about saying "No" to activities when my week is too full. I'm through feeling I'm less of a person because I have a chronic illness. 2017 will be about me making it my best year yet!
